Orochimaru's World Famous New Year's Eve Party
by dead drifter
Summary: Sequel to “The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas.” Featuring unauthorized Furby breeding, the purpose of Kimimaro’s zig zag hair parting, drunken sex, pimping puppets, Hot Cheatos, revealing New Year’s resolutions and more!
1. Fragile Side Upside Down

**Chapter 1: Fragile Side Upside Down**

**Summary: After being raided by the cops, Akatsuki is forced to relocate. The move doesn't go very well, because no one seems to know what "Fragile" or "This Side Up" means. Especially Tobi, because he can't read. **

**Featuring sexual acts between a Furby and his mailbox master, mysterious Fudgsicle stains, handicapped Hidan and more!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else. **

**The mullet species are courtesy of the stand up comedian Ralphie May. The grape Kool-Aid is from a Naruto Shippuuden Abridged episode by CanadianJutsu. Check it out on Youtube. It's hilarious. **

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Just put it over there for now."

Two Konoha rednecks with mullets and hand rolled cigarettes hanging out of their mouths dropped a couch carrying a napping Kakuzu onto the crispy brown (frozen) front lawn.

Konan was overseeing the move, frantically darting in and out of the new house while Two Mullets and a Truck and some of the Akatsuki tossed things out of the moving van and the Buick.

"Hey, where do you want this shit, huh?" Hidan yelled, carrying a tower of boxes labeled "Kitchen."

"Can't you read?" Konan asked. Hidan glared, but he looked at the side of the box nearest his eye level and rolled his eyes.

"Well, if you would have fucking _told_ me the boxes were labeled, maybe I would have paid more attention. _Seriously_."

Hidan stalked off, muttering additional insults that would have made his mother proud. Where did you think Hidan got his colorful language from? The insides of those Laffy Taffy wrappers?

Tobi grabbed a gigantic box and started running with it. Konan nearly had a Kakuzu level heart attack when she heard the happy clinking of broken glass as he raced past her.

Konan watched him trip over Zetsu's foot (the plant man was holding the front door open and vegetating simultaneously) and the box of broken shit flew into the house.

The sailing box of broken breakables knocked Sasori off his ass and sent him sprawling.

The puppet landed in a tote full of empty Pledge cans.

"TOBI!" Sasori yelled, twisting his head around and opening his mouth wide, shooting a spray of purple poison at the clumsy idiot.

Tobi's mask caught the full brunt of it, and Tobi made a loud smacking noise and patted his belly.

"Oh, thank you Sasori-san, I _was_ thirsty, and your grape Kool-Aid hit the spot!"

Sasori's chin hung down to his chest, and he had to lift his hand up to close it.

He was going to find out who had replaced his poison with grape Kool-Aid…and shove a poisoned kunai so far up their ass that they could taste it. It could only be one of two people: Hidan or Deidara.

Who else would mess with Sasori's shit?

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Back at the old crib, Pein and Deidara were fighting off cops while they loaded up the last of their belongings in the mini van.

Yes, the Akatsuki had so much shit crammed in their tiny house that they needed a moving van AND two other vehicles in order to haul it all.

Deidara was flying on one of his clay birds and dropping exploding snowmen on the cops' asses, giggling like mad and spraying Pledge up his nose.

He was so high off of bangs and spray that he started dropping bombs on Pein too.

"Hey!" Pein yelled when a jolly fat frosty exploded in his face.

"Oh…sorry, un! Thought you were someone else!" Deidara called down.

A few seconds later, another bomb hit Pein's box of limited edition Seven Shinobi Swordsmen of Hidden Mist cards (SSSHM), and he screeched like a little fan girl who had just spotted her favorite Yaoi pair sucking face in the street, only to watch them get rundown by a speeding semi seconds later.

"Oh…my…_God_…" Pein sobbed, falling to his knees and trying to pick up pieces of ripped cards featuring scantily clad musclemen with strangely fitted sharp teeth and extra large swords.

A torn card showing the naked torso of Kisame caught Pein's attention as it's glossy coating shimmered in the sun, and he picked it up and licked it.

"He must be overdoing it on the Candy Cane Crack, un," Deidara murmured to himself, and went back to blowing up cop cars and their respective owners.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"No, Kisame, I don't think I like this arrangement either," Itachi said from the doorway. Kisame, who was leaning up against a heavy cherry armoire, wiped at his brow.

He was sweating and huffing rather loudly from his efforts.

The poor shark nin had been put to work sliding furniture around (for _hours_) while Itachi pointed.

"We've rearranged this room twelve times already! I think this set up is fine! Look: I get the window, you get the dark corner and the side with the closet…"

Itachi slid the Fudgsicle he'd been sucking on out of his mouth and pointed it at the shark nin with an icy glare twice as cold as his frozen chocolate treat.

"Do not raise your voice to me…_Kisame_."

_Holy shit._ Kisame gripped his cross and prayed to Jesus to let him make it out of this bedroom alive.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"TOOOBI! Stop! Just fucking STOP!" Konan screamed as Tobi grabbed another box from the van and promptly let it slip through his fingers and fall to the ground.

"Tobi, this box says "Fragile" and "This Side Up." That means that there's delicate stuff in there, like Deidara's tiny ceramic ballerina bear figurines. You don't want to break your senpai's things, do you?" Konan asked, smiling sweetly at the basketball head.

"Oh, no, of course not!" Tobi said, and picked the box up again, looking hard at the letters inscribed in black magic marker.

"Ah, I see what you mean," Tobi said sagely, and flipped the box so that "This Side Up" was now upside down.

"Wait, no—"

But it was too late. Tobi ran off with the box in his hands, and Konan watched helplessly as Tobi banged into the couch and flipped over it, hit Kakuzu in the jewels with his head, and toppled to the floor alongside his box.

Kakuzu jerked awake, howling and curling into a fetal position.

"Sorry, grandpa!" Tobi said loudly, and picked up his battered box full of beheaded ceramic ballerina bear figurines, dusted it off, and went into the house.

"Grandpa" whimpered feebly from the couch.

"You know what, you stupid ugly cunt? I fucking quit this shit," Hidan snapped, walking out of the house with his hand to his hunched back, looking rather like a grandpa himself, what with the silver hair and all.

"Seriously, my back is so out of whack I think I slipped a disk. I need a fucking back brace and a bucket of pain pills. I think I got hemorrhoids or…or hernia, some shit…Fucking make me work like the common help…"

Konan fumbled in her pockets for her pack of Newports while Hidan continued his ranting.

"Fucking work me like a common cousin fucking farm hand…like Cletus and Beavis over here!"

Hidan gestured to the two Konoha rednecks, who had stopped working to fix their mullets. The younger one had Nascar written in Katakana (Nasukaa) shaved into the back of his head. The older one had a bullet (a bald mullet).

"I'm a priest, I'll bless the house, sure! But not haul fucking boxes of shit we don't even need into this dump."

Hidan paused to gesture angrily at the cozy two story house.

"A fucking roach hotel if I ever saw one. This particle board dollhouse is a fucking pile of shit. The other place was bigger. How are we all going to fit? Huh? I was hoping to finally get my own room. You _know_ Kakuzu is a fag, and I can't have him raping me in my fucking sleep. There should be a rule against that. _Seriously_."

Konan, too stressed to bother with sending the endlessly bitching prick away with paper cuts, sat on Pein's office chair and lit up a cigarette. She was going to ask for a pay raise after this one.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Pein and Deidara were finally done with the last of the packing and pulled out of the driveway, maneuvering carefully around upended cop cars and body parts.

By the time they hit the highway, Pein had a tick going in his eye. Deidara had cranked up the volume on "Material Girl" and was singing at the top of his lungs, the mouths on his palms lip-syncing along.

"_A material gir_…HOLY SHIT, UN!" Deidara had stopped mid song to point.

Pein glared at the road block a quarter of a mile ahead.

"Deidara, do your stuff," Pein ordered.

"Un!"

Deidara rolled down his window, hung his head out of it, and started yelling at the cops while he prepared a bomb.

"Oh my God, he's got a gun!" one of the cops yelled as Deidara grabbed a giant clay candy cane and balanced it on the door.

"It's not a gun, un…it's art, bitches!" Deidara bawled and the candy cane became a strange holiday themed red and white automatic weapon, firing off mini candy canes that impaled AND exploded.

Cop cars and bodies went flying, and Pein sped through an opening, gun shots from the few survivors showering on the van and narrowly missing both of the shinobi.

"Woo, that was fun, hm! Let's do it again!"

Pein gave Deidara a scornful look that would have put Kakuzu's death glare to shame.

"Un…sorry…" Deidara mumbled.

The missing Rock nin opened up the glove compartment and found a small packet of Bubblicious bubble gum and popped on into his mouth.

Much to Pain's annoyance, Deidara crumbled up his wrapper and threw it in the back of the van.

"You're going to clean out the van when we're done moving," Pein said angrily.

"But it was an accident, un!"

"…"

The gum wrapper bounced off of a rolled up rug. The Gumby mailbox was wrapped in that blood stained Persian no one really liked but couldn't part with anyway, and it didn't appreciate being treated like trash. It would have its revenge for such an abuse. Oh yes…it would.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Forty-seven miles and eight road blocks later, Pein pulled the mini van up into the driveway. The Two Mullets and a Truck moving van was gone, having done its job.

Konan ran up to Pein and hugged and kissed him, but Pein let out a howl of pain and pushed Konan away. She hadn't bothered to take her cigarette out of her mouth.

"Damn it, woman!"

"Hey, SASORI NO DANNA! I killed two hundred and forty-seven cops! I think I broke Kakuzu's record, un!"

"I _invented_ the cop massacre, shit head," Kakuzu growled. He had a bag of ice pressed to his crotch, and with a single raised eyebrow, he silenced any questions the blond might have been tempted to ask.

Tobi answered the unasked question anyway.

"Grandpa Kakuzu said I damaged his merchandise!" he yelled as loud as he could. Kakuzu closed his eyes as if in pain. The phrase 'damaged merchandise' had double meaning to the man, both of them exceedingly bad.

Deidara grinned.

"Did he just call you _grandpa_, un?"

Kakuzu sighed angrily and stalked away. He was in too much agony to help lift anything at the moment, and really didn't know why he'd gone outside in the first place.

Hidan grabbed a large briefcase bearing Sasori's trademark scorpion seal and nearly dropped it when it started to vibrate.

"What the fuck?"

Sasori ran over to Hidan and tried to grab it from him.

"Hey, what the hell you got in this thing? A ten pack of vibrators?"

"Let me have it, it's mine!" Sasori cried, trying to tug the case out of Hidan's hand. Hidan kicked the puppet away.

And the briefcase flew open, various instruments for the purpose of sexual enjoyment clattering to the asphalt. Indeed, there were a few operating vibrators, as well as several cans of Pledge, a packet of Pledge wipes, personal lubricant and other…unmentionables.

Hidan burst into laughter, clutching his stomach and nearly falling over.

"By the wrath of Jashin, you really ARE a sex doll, aren't you? Oh my fucking God, I think I'm going to rupture a disk!"

Something snapped in Hidan's back just then, and he fell on his face in misery. A humming vibrator rolled over to his face, tickling his cheek.

"Will one of you useless shit heads help me!" he shrieked.

Kisame, who had a mysterious sticky brown stain around his mouth, pulled Hidan to his feet.

"Thank…_what the fuck_? I knew it! Everyone in this fucked up organization is a fudge packing, ass licking fag!"

"I'm not a fag…" Konan said, blowing a puff of smoke that looked amazingly like the Akatsuki clouds out of her mouth.

"No…even worse. You're a dike."

Kisame dragged Hidan away as razor sharp origami candy canes slashed them to pieces.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Tobi helped Sasori gather up his attachments and soon, the minivan was emptied of its contents.

The basketball head was the only one brave enough to unwrap the Gumby mailbox from its Persian rug hell and stick it in the ground at the curb.

As before, when the Gumby mailbox was secure, an eerie aura seemed to envelope the area.

Tobi turned to go, but he thought he heard something.

"_Wait_…" it said.

"Huh?"

Tobi looked at the Gumby mailbox, and it looked back at him.

"Did you want something, Gumby-san?"

The mailbox said nothing, but Tobi's mask did.

"Sasuke is _cold_!" it whined.

"Oh, I forgot about you, Sasuke-kun! You hid in my mask when we were being raided by the cops!"

Tobi reached up underneath his mask and pulled out a very charred, very battered looking black Furby. Despite being blown up, it managed to keep its sexy chicken butt hairdo.

The eyes, once black, were now a bloodshot, Sharingan red. But Tobi has a selective memory, so he didn't remember that they weren't _supposed_ to be red.

"Sasuke wants to take a nap in the mailbox!"

Tobi cocked his head, looking puzzled.

"But what if the mailman steals you?"

"Sasuke wants to go in the mailbox _right now_!"

"Okie dokie then!" Tobi said, and opened up the mailbox and pushed the Furby inside.

"Er…shall I go then?" Tobi asked.

A muffled 'yes' answered him.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Hey, where's the washer and dryer?" Konan asked Pein. The two were sitting in the kitchen, taking a break from moving to enjoy a cup of hot chocolate.

"Huh? Wasn't that stuff loaded in the moving van?" Pein said, looking around curiously.

"No…" Konan said slowly, frowning.

Hidan rolled into the kitchen in a stolen wheelchair just then, teeth bared in an angry snarl.

"Hey, some of my shit's missing! Where's my gold plated meat cleaver?"

"And Itachi's Nintendo DS?" Kisame said, following the handicapped priest. Itachi was at Kisame's side, glaring in cold silence.

"And my precious metal clay, un!"

"The DVD player's missing too!" Sasori cried, running into the kitchen with the TV remote and the movie "Pinocchio" he'd gotten as a present from Hidan in his hands.

Everyone looked at each other for a moment, then as one, stalked out to the living room where Kakuzu was stretched out on the couch, the bag of ice still on his crotch.

When he noticed everyone's icy looks, he got up and started heading for the stairs.

"I…think I'm going to lie down in bed…" Kakuzu said slowly.

"Kakuzu, you old fuck, did you pawn all our shit?!"

Despite his aching family jewels, Kakuzu managed to haul ass upstairs, the rest of the Akatsuki, except for Zetsu, on his heels.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

'Yes…' thought the Gumby mailbox to its most faithful servant.

'We shall take revenge upon the Akatsuki for their insolence. And once the Akatsuki are out of our way…together…you and I, sweet Sasuke-kun, will rule the world.

MWA HA HA HA!'

Sasuke-kun shuddered with fright, making the whole tin mailbox vibrate.

'Ooh…daddy likes that…do it again….' The mailbox thought to the Furby sitting inside of him, and Furby Sasuke spent the rest of the night shaking and shuddering, driving his master wild.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

**A/N: o.O disturbing! Zetsu was rather lacking in this chapter, but don't worry! He will be totally featured in the next chapter, I promise you. Oh, the suspense!**


	2. House Cleansing

**Chapter 2: House Cleansing **

**Summary: There is an evil presence in the house (and no, it's not Itachi), so the house must be cleansed. Hidan and Sasori to the rescue! Pledge VS Windex! Naked Hidan! Snow Monkey Poo! Return of the Chia Hippo!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else.**

**A/N: No, Zetsu isn't featured much in this chapter. Sorry…that's the next chapter. **

**I don't remember where the 'chicken butt hairdo' originated from, but it's not my idea. I just stole it. **

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Foolish little brother," Itachi said softly, staring at a framed photograph of a little boy with a chicken butt hairdo.

"Ow!" Kisame yelped, having hit his thumb with the hammer while he was trying to pound a nail in the wall.

"Itachi, what did you say?"

"…."

Kisame looked over at his partner, who was now sitting on his bed, playing with his Sasuke Barbie's hair.

The shark nin decided it was best not to ask, and went back to hanging pictures.

"Kisame, your mother's portrait is crooked."

Kisame nearly hit himself with the hammer again. He chanced a look at Itachi, then grabbed his level and set it on the gold leaf frame.

"I don't know, Itachi…it looks pretty straight to me."

Something shot into the wall with the force of a bullet, narrowly grazing Kisame's cheek.

It was Sasuke Barbie, and it was sticking into the drywall by its tiny pointed feet. Kisame swallowed hard. He'd nearly been impaled by a plastic doll.

"The picture…is _crooked_…" Itachi whispered coldly.

Kisame tried his best to remain calm as he adjusted his mother's portrait.

Unfortunately, Itachi was having one of his tantrums, and nothing would satisfy him except for torture.

The shark decided it might be best to flee the area.

When Kisame staggered out of the bedroom and into the hallway, he was met with the weirdest sight he'd ever seen.

Some sort of apparition was floating down the hall, spraying the air with Windex.

Kisame's little eyes widened.

The bright blue, wispy shape turned to Kisame, and the shark nin nearly pissed himself.

The distinct sound of an aerosol can spraying brought Kisame's attention to the far side of the hall, where Sasori was standing, holding two cans of Pledge out in front of him like weapons.

"Kisame, don't let it spray you! Windex is toxic to animals!"

Kisame held his cross out in front of him, and the demon howled in agony and turned back to the puppet instead.

"Er…you'll be a-ight," Kisame said, and backed up into his bedroom, deciding that he'd rather take his chances with Mangekyou Sharingan happy Itachi than face the demon form of glass and window cleaner.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Oh…Kuzu…_oh yeah_…Jashin…right there, Kakuzu…ah, oh _fuck_ yes!"

Hidan was moaning and grunting on the floor while Kakuzu leaned over him, working his strong hands over his partner's naked back.

"Ah! Right there, fuck…_right fucking there_!"

CRAAACK!

"Ooooh…"

Kakuzu sat up and smirked at Hidan. The priest scowled.

"What's with the fucking Cheshire grin?"

"You were moaning my name."

Hidan got to his feet and stretched, pressing his hands to the small of his back.

"Look, you old money whoring sack of shit, I already told you. _I'm not gay_, and I don't want to fuck you."

"Whatever…you got your back massage…Now, I'm taking a nap. Get out, I need peace and quiet."

"No! This room has to be cleansed before anyone can sleep in here!"

"Go clean someone else's room. I like it dirty…" Kakuzu mumbled as he slipped off his cloak and crawled into his bed.

"No you don't fucking get it! There's something _evil_ in this room, something left behind by the previous owners!"

"You're talking about that brown stain over by the closet, aren't you? We'll get Sasori to strap on his Kirby attachment and clean it tomorrow. Now get out."

Kakuzu detached an arm and pushed Hidan out of the room, slamming the door on his ass.

"Father fucking bastard!" Hidan yelled into the door.

"Fine! Get murdered by evil spirits! See if I care! Ya wrinkled old fruit!"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Zetsu, half melted into the hedge separating the Akatsuki yard from the Robinson's, watched the vibrating mailbox out by the curb with suspicion.

"**You're such a voyeur,"** Blackey said.

"_That mailbox and its Furby lover are up to something…"_

"**Besides steamy vibrating sex?"**

"…_.shut up, Chocolate Cookie."_

"**Whatever…Cream Filling."**

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

'That overgrown weed is watching us…' the Gumby mailbox thought to his Sasuke-chan.

"Sasuke doesn't care!"

'Yes, Sasuke-chan, you do. Stop. You must go back to your Tobi now. I will distract the fly trap Oreo…'

The Gumby mailbox poured forth his evil power, and summoned something Zetsu had never expected to ever see again: Chia Hippo.

Not just any Chia Hippo either. It was the one with hundreds of Zetsu's weird spermy children attacked to its clay hide.

"Oh….my babies!" both sides of Zetsu cried in unison, and detached from the lawn to pick up the Chia Hippo with his mouth and dropped it in his trap so he could…cradle it…with what, I really don't want to know.

Sasuke the Furby slipped out of the mailbox while Zetsu twirled in a circle, having a beautiful fatherly moment, and the children's toy waddled towards the house to find its puppet, Tobi.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Hidan had managed to get back inside the bedroom so he could grab up his house blessing and demon exorcising kit, and when he turned around, he was immediately hit in the face with a spray of Windex.

"Oh my fucking God, _my eyes_!" Hidan screeched as the secret ingredient, Ammonia-D, burned into his delicate tissues.

"No, you bastard! It's me you want!" Sasori yelled. The puppet was using every weapon in his repertoire, but unfortunately, physical weapons were no match.

And he was all out of Pledge, the only weapon that had somewhat worked on the villainous blue demon.

"Hidan, get out of here while you still can!"

"I can't fucking see! Oh Jashin-sama, only in this fucked up organization would I get attacked by fucking _Windex_!"

Sasori did the only thing he could do: he threw the Pledge cans at the demon and ran right through it, hoping that there was enough Pledge soaked into his shiny wood surface to protect him from the icy soul possessing power of the Windex demon.

It worked, the demon howled again and flew up into the ceiling to recuperate in the attic.

Sasori grabbed Hidan and ran downstairs, the priest bitching all the way.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Holy shit, what is that?" Pein asked as the Windex demon floated up out of the floor. He was in the attic reading 'Itchy Itchy Paradise' to his other five bodies when the demon appeared.

It howled and came at Pein, all six of him, and all six Peins cried for Konan.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Konan was in the kitchen, flipping through ads for washers and dryers. They were desperately broke, and couldn't afford a new washer or dryer…so she was planning on making Kakuzu pay for it.

That bastard was the one that had pawned them anyway.

The bluenette heard some screaming coming from upstairs, and then stomping feet as Sasori and Hidan rushed into the kitchen.

Hidan's eyes were squinted shut, tears streaming down his cheeks. Sasori led him by the hand.

"What'd you do, spray Pledge in his eyes?" Konan asked when Hidan made it to the sink and started splashing water into his face.

"Oh my fucking God…I'm blind…I've gone fucking _blind_! How will I live…oh, fucking hell…I'll have to get a Seeing Eye Shark!"

"You're not going to go blind," Konan sighed heavily.

"He might, it wasn't Pledge…it was…it was _Windex_!" Sasori gasped, looking close to tears himself.

Konan gasped and put her hands to her face in horror.

"Windex! _In the house_? Oh my God, who brought Windex in the house?!"

"This house is haunted by the spawns of Satan! A Windex demon lives upstairs, I chased it into the attic, but it'll be back!"

Konan leapt up to her feet.

"_The attic_…but Pein's up there!"

Konan made to run, but Sasori stopped her.

"No, you can't! Paper is no match for Windex."

Konan frowned.

"Then what? Pledge?"

Sasori nodded sadly.

"Pledge and Windex are natural enemies. But…but I'm all out!"

"_My fucking eyeballs, God damn it_!" Hidan howled from the sink.

Konan thought hard about what to do.

"Okay, okay, let me think. We need to get everyone downstairs, so go and get everyone, okay?"

"Um…do I have to?" Sasori asked, looking petrified. His pretty brown plastic eyes widened.

"Yes. You do."

"But it's scary up there!"

"Oh my God, never mind, I'll go up myself! Go see if you can bum Pledge from the neighbors, alright?"

"…okay."

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Itachi, Kisame? Open up, we have an emergency."

"…we're busy right now," Itachi said through the door.

Konan took a deep breath and knocked again.

"If you don't come down to the kitchen, the Windex demon is going to blind you with ammonia and possess your body."

"…"

"…we'll be right there."

Konan knocked next on Kakuzu's door.

Kakuzu answered the door while scratching his crotch and picking at his teeth with a stray thread from his arm.

"Uh…emergency meeting in the kitchen."

"Is this about the brown stain?"

Konan raised a hairless eyebrow.

"No... The house is being possessed by a Windex demon."

Kakuzu blinked.

"Have you been eating Candy Cane Crack coated with Pledge?"

"NO. Just come with me, I don't' want to be up here too long. Sasori chased the demon into the attic, where it's doing God knows what to Pein."

"Ah…"

Konan next stepped over to the artists' room.

She knocked.

"Un?" Deidara answered as he opened the door, Madonna blaring in the background. For some reason, Deidara was wearing a cone bra and a headset.

Konan stared for a moment. It was oddly appealing on the blond pretty boy.

"You want something or are you going to stare at me all day the way Kakuzu stares at a 'buy one get one free' coupon, un?"

"There's a pretty boy in the Yaoi…" Konan said dreamily.

Deidara's eyebrows flew up into his hair.

"Come again, hm?"

"Please…" Konan said, totally lost to thoughts concerning a blond in a bra being banged relentlessly by a block of lemon scented wood.

"She means there's a demon in the attic, and we're going to have a meeting in the kitchen about it. So get your ass out here," Kakuzu translated and stalked away.

Kakuzu paused for a moment when he reached the top of the stairs.

"And I do NOT lust after coupons."

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Tobi wasn't in his room, so he didn't know about the demon yet. However, he did find Sasuke on the front porch.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun, did you have fun playing with Gumby-san?"

"Sasuke is cold!"

"Okay, let's get you back inside!"

Zetsu would have warned Tobi at that moment not to bring Satan's lover into the house, but he had disappeared in the backyard to make a nest in an old doghouse for his Chia children.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sasori had done well, he thought. Using his cute childlike appearance and long lashes to full advantage, he'd managed to get thirty-seven cans of Pledge as well as twelve cans of Behold, which he didn't like as much, but hey, every little bit helps.

When the puppet made it back to the house, he tossed all of the furniture polish cans on the kitchen table.

There were odd muffled moans and shrieks coming from the attic now, and the rest of Akatsuki knew that they would have to prepare as quickly as possible.

The Windex demon was most likely raping Pein so that it could possess him, and no one was dumb enough to go up there and put a stop to it.

With some things, you just have to let evil take its course.

"Okay, what do we got?" Konan asked, who had taken charge of the operation. They were at war (in Pein's Akatsuki scrap book, this would later be called the Pledge-Windex War) and desperate times called for desperate measures.

"Well, I found a family of snow monkeys trying to sneak through the living room window, so I put them in that giant fish bowl Kisame uses when his parents come over," Hidan said, gesturing over to the said giant fish bowl full of aforementioned monkeys.

One of the monkeys gave Hidan the finger.

"Yeah, you try to act tough in front of your friends, bitch, but we all know you pissed yourself when you saw me slit your butt buddy's throat!" Hidan yelled at the monkey, who fell silent, lost to its own monkey angst.

Don't feel sorry for the monkey, it'll make it harder for me to sacrifice it later. NOT.

"I also have holy water, Itachi's entire collection of Popsicle sticks, a packet of Kool-Aid, a rabbit's foot, Ashton Cutcher's left shoe, Sasori's Kunoichi barbies and a bag of crushed Candy Cane Crack."

"Well…that, along with Sasori's Pledge and Behold, should be enough," Konan said, nodding.

Kakuzu shook his head.

"We're gonna die," he sighed.

Everyone nodded at this statement.

The butt buddy monkey threw something brown and goopy at Hidan's head.

"_Son of a bitch!"_

"Ha ha! That monkey threw poo at you!" Tobi laughed. Sasuke-kun laughed too, but he was hiding in Tobi's mask again, so know one knew he was there.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

The Windex demon and all six Peins came out of the attic, down the stairs, and into the living room, where all of the Akatsuki were waiting.

The furniture and moving boxes that still needed to be emptied were pushed to the walls, the Akatsuki themselves all hidden behind them.

"Be gone, evil spirit!" Hidan yelled, throwing monkey heads at the demon. Being made of gaseous evil Windex, the heads did nothing but pass through it.

"Well, I fucking did my part," Hidan said and tucked back into the shelter of the upturned couch he was hiding behind.

"You're a total idiot," Kakuzu growled. He was armless at the moment, as his hands were hiding elsewhere, for an added advantage.

"Okay, on the count of three…we'll all jump out and spray Pledge at it. Got it?" Konan said, a cigarette pinched between her lips and black paint smudged on her face.

She even had an army helmet on. No one else did though.

Hidan tended to cough a lot after she put it on, and his cough sounded a lot like 'dike.'

"One…two…three!"

As one, the Akatsuki leapt out of their hiding places, spraying Pledge like they were on a mission to clean the world's largest coffee table.

The Windex demon roared in outrage, and flew into the gaping mouths of the six Peins.

The Rinnegan eyes were replaced with the bright toxic blue of Windex, and they ran jerkily at the Akatsuki, howling and drooling like zombies.

"We're gonna die," Kakuzu said, fearing for his life, as he only had two hearts left.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Inside the shell of Pein's bodies, the Windex demon was protected from the onslaught of Pledge.

But it was totally susceptible to physical attacks, and the Peins were cursed, blown up, poisoned, bitten and driven insane.

The Pein that could reincarnate bodies was left alone, however, and Hidan made his move.

He made Kakuzu tie the possessed Pein to a chair, and Hidan stripped down.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Kakuzu asked, totally stunned. Konan drooled all over Sasori, who had happened to be standing in front of her.

"Ew…"

"The demon exorcism requires the high priest, me, to be sky clad and drenched in the blood of my foes."

"Riiiight…" Kakuzu said, sounding very much like Dr. Evil.

Deidara slipped a camera out of his pocket and started taking pictures.

"Damn it, you're fucking blinding me! Cut that shit out!"

"Put it away…and go get the camcorder," Konan whispered to the blond.

"Un!"

When Hidan was nice and naked, he poured a bucket of blood over his head and started his speech.

"By the power of Jashin, I cast thee out, demonic glass cleaner!"

Hidan then grabbed a jar of holy water and started flicking it at Pein's face.

He growled and snarled and coughed up Windex, and Hidan started dancing in a circle around Possessed Pein, now beating him over the head with Sasori's Kunoichi Barbies.

"Come OUT, Windex demon, with your heathen Streak Free Shine!"

Tobi was cowering behind the La-Z-Boy. Itachi was blowing on his freshly painted nails. Kakuzu had fallen asleep. Deidara was taping the show while Konan drooled.

Sasori was, as expected, spraying Pledge down his pants.

Kisame was still half dazed from being tortured by Itachi.

"THE POWER OF JASHIN COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF JASHIN COMPELS YOU!"

Pein shuddered and jerked wildly in his chair as blue vapor passed out of his mouth and formed back into a blue demonic ghost holding a bottle of Windex.

"Okay, Charcoal Charlie, now what?"

"Huh? I thought _you_ were supposed to get rid of it!"

"No, I said I could exercise it out of a fucking _body_, I can't get a demonic cleaning agent out of the house!"

"Oh my God, it's coming right for us, un!" Deidara helped, diving behind a box wall.

Sasori held his Pledge can out in front of him…and just when he thought it was too late…a yellow vaporous form appeared, blocking the blue Windex demon.

"Is that…God?" Kisame asked dully.

Itachi sighed and closed Kisame's eyes.

"It's the Pledge Sprite!" Sasori cried in wonder.

Indeed, the yellow spirit had a can of ever full Pledge in its clutches, and it duked it out with the blue Windex demon.

Sasuke peeked out of Tobi's mask to watch the show. He would have to report this strange phenomenon to his master…

The Windex demon was easily defeated by the lemon scented ghost, and it flew out of the window, giving it a Streak Free Shine that would last for centuries.

"Can we order Pizza for dinner?" Tobi asked from behind the chair.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

**A/N2: What is the evil presence in Hidan and Kakuzu's room? All will be revealed…in time. **


	3. Operation Furby Retrieval

**Chapter 3: Operation Furby Retrieval **

**Summary: In the aftermath of the Windex War, things quiet down. Or should I say, steam up? SasoDei, KakuHidan, nothing graphic, and definitely funny. Zetsu and Chia Hippo start their mission. Will they succeed? **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else. **

**A/N: So far, everything has happened on the same day. Keep that in mind. This is still Dec 26****th****. K? K. **

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

The Windex demon was expelled, the Pledge Sprite drifted off to spread the joy of freshly polished wood throughout the land, and all was well.

Except for the fact that there was STILL a diabolical mailbox and a Furby plotting the end of the Akatsuki and the world as we know it….

And then there was the unmistakable presence of evil in Hidan and Kakuzu's bedroom.

"No, for the last God damned time! I'm not talking about the fucking shit stain on the accursed shag carpeting!"

Kakuzu was laying in his bed with his head propped up on his arm, glaring at the naked priest pacing on the floor in front of him.

"I'm NOT having this argument anymore," Kakuzu growled.

"And please, for the love of money, put some clothes on."

For some reason, Hidan wasn't overly concerned about being nude in front of the old fruitcake.

"I'm going to go take a shower…and if I still feel an aura of evil in here, I'm going to have to bless the room. Seriously. You do NOT want to be in here when I do that."

"Whatever…"

Hidan grabbed his shower bag, and Kakuzu spotted a suspicious box jutting out of an open pocket.

The curious old man reached over and plucked the box out of the bag and snorted with laughter.

"Are you seriously going to try this stuff?"

"Fuck you, old man!"

Hidan grabbed back his box of "Just For Men" and stalked off.

Kakuzu watched his butt go, sighing resignedly.

"_Damn_, that's a nice ass."

"I heard that!"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Hey, Sasuke-kun, do you want to play with my Ninja Nascar Hotwheels track?"

"Sasuke don't wanna!"

"Aw…but no one will play with me!"

"Sasuke wants to hear a story!"

Tobi perked up at that.

"Oh, do you? What story do you want to hear?"

"Sasuke wants to hear about Akatsuki!"

"Huh? Who's that?"

"…"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Shoo!"

Zetsu stood there on the porch, both halves glaring at the blue haired bimbo at the door.

"Shoo now, don't bother me!" Konan insisted, flapping her arms for emphasis.

"**Did she just shoo us**?" Chocolate Cookie said.

"_Sh…you're talking out loud again,"_ Cream Filling responded.

"_Look, this is a life or death situation," _Zetsu said to Konan.

"No, for the last time, Zetsu, you can't come in the house! I know you still have diarrhea!" Konan said through the screen door.

"_But it's important!"_

"No."

"_I"ll go on the paper!"_

"NO!"

"_It's about Itachi's Furby!"_

"Who?"

"**The blasted Furby! It's working with the mailbox! They're plotting against us**!"

"You're nuts. If you don't step kindly away from the door, I'm going to hurt you."

Zetsu took a step backwards.

"_Please…Tobi has the Furby. Just…just get it out of the house_."

"Yeah…sure thing," Konan agreed, really just to get rid of the plant man more than anything else.

Konan started to close the door when she heard Zetsu's dark half say **"That bitch is cute from a distance…but up close…she's rather hideous."**

"_Mm hm…Deidara is __**much**__ prettier."_

"Oh hell no you did not just say that!" Konan shrieked, slamming the door open and charging at the plant man, bombarding him with paper piercing pansies.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Zetsu's plan had worked. While Konan was busy chasing him around the neighborhood, Chia Hippo, who had been set conveniently by the door, hopped through it and into the house.

Operation Furby Retrieval was now in full swing.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

After ten minutes of trying to get any viable information out of the idiotic boy, Sasuke-kun gave up.

It was just a Furby, really. What more could you expect?

"Hey, you wanna play with my Hotwheels set now? Sasuke-kun? _Sasuke-kun_? _Aw_…"

Sasuke had feigned sleep.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Pein was tucking all of his freshly reincarnated bodies back into their weird space beds, kissing them all goodnight.

Not many people get to kiss themselves good night. Or…participate in a gang bang made up of ONLY themselves. Pein was lucky that way. Yes…lucky indeed.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Deidara was now kicking back on his bed, watching "Pokemon" on his new TV with a grin on his face.

"Can you believe it? I've been on the SAME channel for twenty minutes, un! And I even sat through commercials!"

"Hmmm," Sasori murmured. Now that the Windex demon was banished, they could get back to unpacking. Of course, Deidara had managed only to unpack his TV. Once he hooked it up, it was all over.

"Ooh, look, Pizza Hut. Didn't someone mention getting pizza for dinner, hm?"

"That's nice," Sasori said. He wasn't listening AT ALL.

Deidara started flipping through the channels when his show went off, and settled on an old movie.

"Hey, un! It's your movie. Mannequin."

Sasori's head spun all the way around.

"Is it?"

Sasori hopped into Deidara's bed and the blond scooted over to give the puppet more room.

"Hey, un, you want to turn off the light?"

Sasori used a chakra string to flip the switch, and the two cuddled as they watched their favorite cheesy 80's movie in peace…

Until Tobi crept into the room.

Sasuke, who was perched atop the idiot's head, blinked its eyes open just as Tobi flicked on the light switch.

"HEEEEY! DEIDARA-SENPAAAAI!"

Deidara had flinched at the sudden bright light, and when he could properly see the masked moron who had dared interrupt Movie Time, he yelped and kicked at something under the comforter.

That something poked its head out from the blankets, and when it did, Sasuke-kun's eyes went cross eyed and he toppled off of Tobi's head to fall with a dull THUD to the floor.

"What the hell was that, un?"

"What's Sasori-san doing in your bed?"

"N-never mind about that!" Deidara said, blushing.

"What the hell is that thing that was on your head, hm?"

"Oh, why it's Sasuke-kun!"

Deidara blinked, his flush subsiding.

"I thought I killed it?"

"Nope! Sasuke-kun is just fine!"

Sasori slid out of Deidara's bed and fled to the closet.

"Aw…see what you just did! The movie isn't even over yet, hm!"

"But Sasuke-kun and Tobi are hungry!"

"…."

Tobi fled the room as he was bombarded with exploding flying pigs.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Tobi and Sasuke-kun ended up wandering downstairs to the living room. Itachi was channel surfing on the couch while Kisame was busily going through the rest of the boxes and putting things away.

Tobi tripped over a rogue Chia Hippo and Sasuke flew off of his head to land on Itachi's lap.

Itachi continued to flip channels as he looked down at the char broiled Furby.

And then he paused, eyebrows furrowed as he recognized it.

"Ah…so we meet again…foolish little brother."

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

When Konan had tired herself out, she went back to the house for a smoke. Because that's what you do when you're out of breath. You smoke. Riiiight.

Zetsu crept back towards the house and melted into the sugar maple tree across the street to spy on the Gumby mailbox.

It's sinister crimson eyes gleamed in the growing darkness as day turned to night…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"So…do you still feel that evil presence?" Kakuzu asked conversationally, looking up from "Sewing for Dummies."

Hidan, clad in a towel (he still refused to put on clothes), closed his eyes and sort of felt around the room like a blind man.

He wandered over to Kakuzu and his eyes flew open.

"I think it's you."

"What?"

"My Gay-dar is going haywire."

Kakuzu threw his book at Hidan's face.

"Fuck you."

"That's my line."

"Put some clothes on."

"Make me."

"…"

Both of them stared at each other in surprise.

"That fucking mistletoe…" Hidan suddenly snarled.

Kakuzu sat up.

"What?"

"Look…never mind. Get off the fucking bed, I think that's where the evil vibes are coming from."

Kakuzu actually did what Hidan told him to do and looked down at the mattress curiously.

Hidan closed his eyes again and ran his hands an inch or so above the bed, muttering under his breath.

"Yeah…it's here all right."

Kakuzu looked worried.

"You mean I was lying on an evil bed?"

"Fuck yes. Mattresses are like magnets for all kinds of scary shit. This bed must be destroyed."

"WHAT?! I paid fifty bucks for this bed!"

Hidan suddenly had a spike in his hand and was raising it over his head.

"It's the only way…"

"NOOOO!"

Kakuzu wrenched the spike from Hidan's grasp and threw it across the room like a javelin. It pinned a shark stuffy that had been perched atop Hidan's dresser to the wall.

In the struggle that followed, Hidan's towel came undone, and both of them froze. The only thing keeping it up was the fact that their bodies were pressed together.

The old man suddenly pulled away from the priest and stalked over to Hidan's dresser.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing?" Hidan howled, pulling the towel back up and darting over to Kakuzu, who'd begun to rifle through his drawers.

Kakuzu pulled out a pair of pants and shook them in Hidan's face.

"You are putting pants on RIGHT NOW."

"I can't fend off evil wearing clothes! I fucking told you that, you senile old fart!"

Kakuzu wasn't convinced. He threw Hidan onto the evil bed and bound him with threads while he forced Hidan's legs into the pants. Hidan struggled so ferociously that he managed to get a leg free and kick Kakuzu in the face.

The old missing Falls nin simply smirked down at Hidan as he slid his hands around to cup the priest's ass, lifting it above the bed so that his threads could pull the fabric up.

When Hidan was clothed, Kakuzu removed his hands from inside the seat of Hidan's pants and let him go.

Hidan stared in utter shock at Kakuzu for a moment, and then he did something Kakuzu did not expect.

He launched at Kakuzu, hooking his fingers in between the stitching in his cheeks, and pulled him back down on the bed to devour his mouth.

It might have led to something more, but at that moment, the bed exploded.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

The resounding BOOM shook the whole house. Deidara cackled with glee. He knew what that sound meant.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"What the fuck?" six Peins muttered in the attic as the floor beneath them shuddered.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Do you hear that, foolish little brother? It is the sound of your demise…"

"Oh my God, is that your Furby?" Kisame asked, peering over at Itachi, who was petting Sasuke-kun with a distant look on his face.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

The explosion made the earth quake, and Zetsu, fearing for Chia Hippo's life, rushed to the house.

House training or no house training, Zetsu would make sure his babies were okay.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Next time: Zetsu is in the house. OMG. Will he and Chia Hippo accomplish their mission? Or will evil prevail?**


	4. Always Spay and Neuter Your Plants

**Chapter 4: Always Spay and Neuter Your Plants!**

**Summary: Zetsu's in the house! Will he and Chia Hippo accomplish their mission? Kakuzu and Hidan revenge themselves upon Deidara, and Sasori is brought into the middle of it. I have two words for you: Tobi AND Ventriloquist. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else. **

**A/N: Remember that in the previous chapter, there was an explosion.**

**And oh, I think I'm coming down with writer's block. I kind of forced myself to attempt to be funny, so I hope this chapter doesn't bomb. Please, let this chapter bring at least a small chuckle to someone!**

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

The entire neighborhood was in a state of sheer panic. People, thinking that they were being bombed by terrorists, got in their cars and raced to the store to buy batteries and bottled water, so they would be prepared in case they were hit with weapons of mass destruction.

The Akatsuki weren't really overly concerned with the explosion. After all, they had already faced Christmas carolers and a Windex demon…what was a little 'boom boom' compared to that?

Especially since their youngest member was basically a suicide bomber biding his time.

Well, actually, there _were_ two Akatsuki who were royally pissed about it, because they had been caught in the mess.

Those two Akatsuki were lying on what appeared to be a combusted bed, feathers from the pillows snowing down upon them.

Kakuzu was on top of Hidan, suffering a fatal heart attack. Hidan was groaning from his failed efforts to push the man off of him.

The fact that there was a bed spring pinning them together like two melting marshmallows on a stick didn't help matters.

When Kakuzu came to, he stared at Hidan with oddly shiny eyes.

Hidan's eyebrows flew upwards.

Something wet spattered onto Hidan's cheek.

"What the fuck? Are you _crying_?"

"Mr. Chiclets…_no_," Kakuzu moaned.

Hidan started pushing at Kakuzu's chest.

"Fucking get off me, needle dick, you're crushing my ribs."

Kakuzu braced himself and pushed off of the bed, groaning in pain as the spring slid painfully out of his side.

Hidan jerked and coughed as the movement pulled at his insides.

When Kakuzu had managed to free himself, he put a hand to his wound and it came away red.

"Hidan? What the fuck happened? I thought you said the bed was evil, not that it was a bomb…oh, hell, you're pathetic," Kakuzu grunted, offering a hand to the priest as he tried in vain to detach himself from the bed.

Kakuzu pulled him roughly to his feet. The gory spring wobbled back and forth from the swift movement, spraying both of them with blood.

Hidan smacked Kakuzu in the arm.

"Ouch, you fucking bastard! Seriously, you could have been a little gentler!"

"I am incapable of…gentleness…" Kakuzu admitted, glaring down at the destroyed bed.

It had been a pillow-top, and he'd gotten a killer deal on it because it had fallen off of the back of a truck.

True, it was only a twin bed, but it had been comfortable. Now, it was useless.

"I am going to KILL that little bitch," Kakuzu snarled, balling his hands into fists as he thought of terrible things to do to the resident bomb expert.

"Ooh, this I gotta see," Hidan said with a grin. Kakuzu eyed Hidan viciously.

"Who said you're invited? Or do you want to volunteer as Mr. Chiclet's replacement?"

"Fucking _touch_ me and I'll rip out your last heart."

"You wouldn't dare…" Kakuzu said softly. He was smirking all over his stitched up face, and Hidan scowled.

"What?"

"I have a word of advice for you, Hidan," Kakuzu said as he walked out of the room. Hidan followed him, rolling his eyes.

"You know I don't give a rat's ass about—"

"Don't EVER stick your fingers in my cheeks again."

"Psh! And why's that?"

Kakuzu whirled and grabbed Hidan by the neck and pressed their foreheads together, green eyes glaring into pink.

"Because I will jam my cock so far up your ass you'll be spitting cum out of your mouth for a month."

"…"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Um, Sasori no Danna? I think we need to get out of here for a while, un."

"Go away! I'm Pledging!"

"But Dannaaaaa! Un!"

The closet door creaked open a crack, and Deidara peered inside eagerly.

A wooden hand bitch slapped him, and then the door snapped shut again.

"God damn it, Danna, hm!"

The muffled sound of a couple arguing (who could it be?) outside the bedroom door made Deidara's heart leap. With fear. Well…maybe a little excitement.

"Danna, I'm in serious shit, hm!"

"Deidara, if you say one more thing—"

The bedroom door was suddenly knocked off its hinges, and Kakuzu stepped over it as he crossed the room.

"YOU!" he bellowed at the missing Rock nin, and detached his arm and wrapped it snugly around Deidara's neck, choking him.

"Guh…Danna…hmmm…" Deidara gurgled out.

Hidan wandered over to Deidara's dresser and rummaged in his underwear drawer. He pulled out a bag of Hot Cheatos and began munching while watching the blond's face turn red.

"Holy fucking shit…you really ARE going to kill him, aren't you? Damn."

In the closet, a puppet hiding in the bowels of…another puppet…stopped spraying Pledge on his crotch.

It was one thing to threaten the little blond…but actually attempting to _kill_ him…

Sasori burst out of the closet, guns and poison tipped mechanical tail blazing…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

When he heard the explosion, Zetsu, fearing for his babies' lives, ran to the side door, but it was locked. He began pounding on it with his head, screaming for his Chia Hippo.

Finally, Tobi came to the door.

"Oh, Zetsu-san! What's the matter?"

"Tobi, you have to let me in!"

"Um…" Tobi said, poking a finger to his mask, "Konan said 'no plants in the house.'"

"_Who do you love more? That blue haired dike or your Zu Zu?"_

"**Oh no…you did NOT just call us Zu Zu…"**

Tobi clapped his hands together rapidly, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"TOBI LOVES ZU ZU!"

The basketball head opened the door and stepped aside, and Zetsu stepped over the threshold and into the new house.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kisame grabbed a forgotten box of Sasori's things and started to head up the stairs when he stumbled upon Chia Hippo.

The shark nin looked curiously at it, set the box of puppet parts aside, and picked the Chia Pet up.

"Well…I thought they all got left behind?" Kisame wondered aloud. He smiled at it and peered close to see the tiny Venus fly trap heads, and then he yelped and dropped it as hundreds of Zetsu babies bit him.

"Ouch! Damn Spermy bastards!"

Kisame glared down at the Chia Hippo, and grinned toothily as he was struck with an idea.

"I think Chia Hippo needs a shave," Kisame said viciously, reaching behind him to grasp the hilt of his Samehada.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

While Kisame was committing mass murder on Zetsu's children, Itachi was glaring at Sasuke the Furby in his lap.

"Foolish little brother...in the end…I had to kill you anyway…."

Itachi went Mangekyou on Furby's ass…but unfortunately, the plastic eyes were shiny, and the jutsu rebounded upon its owner…and so, Itachi was sent to Sharingan La La Land.

Sasuke watched with glee, his mind lost to thoughts of how his mailbox daddy would award him for incapacitating the mighty Uchiha Itachi…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Tobi and Zetsu wandered into the living room and were met with a horrible sight. Kisame was shredding a Chia Pet with his Samehada while humming the tune to "Jingle Bells."

"HA! Try to bite me now, bitch!"

In tiny voices too high in pitch to be heard by normal ears, the Spermy babies shrieked in agony as they died.

Zetsu wasn't normal, and so he could hear them, and something snapped inside of him. It was scary as hell.

It was so scary that Kisame would later on develop a mortal fear of house plants.

"You…murderous…bastard!" Zetsu howled, and lunged at Kisame with nothing but his teeth.

He bit down hard on Kisame's arm, and as the shark man struggled, Zetsu twisted his head, and there was a sickening sort of ripping, tearing sound as the plant man tore Kisame's arm right off.

The shark nin roared in agony and swung his Samehada with his other hand down on the plant man, slicing off the top of Zetsu's fly trap.

On the second swing, Zetsu caught the Samehada in his teeth and wrenched it from Kisame's grasp and flung it across the room.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

While Zetsu and Kisame duked it out, Tobi walked up to Itachi and noticed Sasuke-kun on his lap.

"Hey, Sasuke-kun, do you want to play dolls?"

"Sasuke is sleepy."

"Aw! But you already got a nap!"

Tobi picked up the Furby and put it back on his head.

"I wanna play dolls, and YOU"RE gonna play with me!" Tobi said rather fiercely, and Sasuke was carried off against his will.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Danna…"

"What, Deidara?"

"I've lost faith in you, hm."

Sasori was duct taped to a chair, his beloved Hiruko reduced to a pile of splinters and metal in the corner.

Deidara was also bound, but he was taped to the wall. Topless.

"Kakuzu, hm? You don't want to kill me, un."

"Not so cocky without your clay, are you?" Kakuzu growled. Hidan munched on cheatos, now reclining in Sasori's bed.

"Un…speaking of clay…if you kill me, who will make masks for your extra hearts, hm?"

Kakuzu paused just when he started to unleash his threads.

"Damn it…" Kakuzu growled, and looked back to Hidan for some reason.

Hidan swallowed.

"What?"

"You know what? If you hadn't pulled me down, I wouldn't have been on that bed. And I wouldn't be down to just ONE heart."

Hidan threw his empty bag of Hot Cheatos at the old man and promptly flicked him off with both hands.

"Hey, fuck you! You squeezed my ass, what was I supposed to do?"

"Holy shit, un! I KNEW you were gay!" DEidara said to the silver haired priest.

Hidan turned his red stained 'birds' to the blond.

"Look who's talking, we all _know_ you're the puppet's bitch!"

"I am not a bitch! I'm an artist!"

"ALL artists are fucking queer as hell!"

"So are priests, un!"

"…."

"He's got you there, Hidan," Kakuzu said with a gravely chuckle.

"_Son of a bitch!"_

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kisame managed to grab his severed arm and flee for his life, leaving Itachi behind to drool like a severely retarded gerbil fiending for another fix of heroin.

Zetsu picked up his beloved Chia Hippo and wept fertilizer.

"I promise you…I will make you good as new..."

Zetsu looked around the house, taking in its unfamiliar smell…and the sudden urge to mark his territory took over.

The plant man unfastened his cloak and freaky green vines slid out of his damaged fly trap and pulled down his pants.

He started sniffing at random objects and spraying everything in sight.

The stench of his own urine elicited a sexual response, and soon, the plant man with the dual personality started humping random objects, like the TV and Kisame's surf board.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Tobi thinks we should go see if Sasori will play dolls with us. He has all kinds of dolls, Sasuke-kun! You'll LOVE him!"

The basketball head wandered over to Deidara and Sasori's room and would have knocked, but the door was already open.

Tobi went inside and when Deidara saw him, he mouthed 'Help me, un!'

"WHAT IS THAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU, DEIDARA-SENPAI!" Tobi yelled. Kakuzu turned to see Tobi standing there, a black Furby perched atop his head.

"Ah…Tobi…would you like to play a little game?" Kakuzu asked with a dangerous smile.

Deidara paled.

"Oh, God, un."

"Ooh, this is going to be fucking hilarious," Hidan said, now licking the cream off of an Oreo.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Oh. My. God. What the hell is this?" Konan asked as she entered the living room to find it completely trashed. There was blood everywhere, scratch marks and chunks missing out of various pieces of furniture…as well as something green and oddly wiggly coating nearly everything in sight.

"The hell? _Mold_?"

"There, you see, Chia Hippo? Daddy made it aaaaaall better."

Konan found Zetsu curled up behind the love seat, cradling a Chia pet and making soothing noises at it.

Itachi was still dazed on the couch.

Konan tiptoed around the room, staring in utter shock. She had learned an important lesson that day.

_Always spay and neuter your plants. _

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Hey hey hey! Tobi, make his mouth move again. I got another one!" Hidan said while snorting with laughter.

Tobi was sitting in a chair in his bedroom (which was bright bubble gum pink since it had previously belonged to a ten year old girl) and holding a puppet in his lap.

Sasori had the masked man's hand shoved up a very naughty place, and Tobi was pretending to put on a ventriloquist act for Kakuzu, Hidan and Deidara.

"My poor Saso…un," Deidara wept. The missing Rock nin was now sporting a mullet (Hidan's handiwork) and was so traumatized that Kakuzu didn't even have to tie him up.

Kakuzu had a thorough knowledge of what his comrades cherished most, and had used that information against Deidara most effectively.

Fuck with his puppet, Deidara might still be okay. Fuck with his puppet AND his hair…and the little blond crumbled.

"Okay, okay, let me see," Tobi said, pulling on a lever in Sasori's back and making the puppet's mouth flap open and closed.

Hidan was trying hard not to laugh as he dubbed for the puppet.

"Ha ha! I'm a real boy! Woooop!"

Hidan mocked having his nose grow with his finger, and slapped his leg.

"Oh Jashin, this is the most fun I've had all year! Fuck, the year's almost over, isn't it? A great way to go out….with a bang!"

Hidan chanced a look over at Deidara. No response. Usually the word 'bang' excited him.

"Un…un…un…" Deidara murmured over and over again.

"Hey, Tobi, make his mouth move again!"

"I always have a hard on, because I'm made out of fucking wood!"

Kakuzu was sitting in Deidara's bed, crossing his arms and nodding off.

When Hidan gave a particularly loud snort, Kakuzu was startled awake.

"Hidan, as fun as this undoubtedly is…I think it's time we left. If we torture Deidara too much, his mind might snap, and then I'd never get him to make me my masks."

"Psh. Whatever, old man. Any time I actually enjoy myself, you fucking cut it short."

Kakuzu got up and looked at Hidan with a slight smile.

"If I remember correctly, the last time you were enjoying yourself, the bed exploded underneath us. I didn't cut that short…in fact…I could—"

"Don't you DARE finish that sentence. Just shut the hell up. Fucking quit it with your randy ass bullshit, already! God damn!"

Kakuzu sighed heavily and stalked out of the room without a word.

"Aw…you're leaving already? But the show's not over yet!" Tobi whined. Hidan smiled.

"I am kind of tired. You can play with Sasori's ass all night if you want to. Just make sure you wash your hands when you're done. Who knows what Deidara puts up there."

"Un…un….un…un…"

Deidara had started to rock himself back and forth, gripping locks of his cut hair in his hands.

The mouths on his palms ate the hair, hoping it would make his hair grow in faster.

No such luck. Deidara might be stuck with a mullet for a looong time. Maybe he could get Sasori to buzz the Katakana of Nascar into the back of his head.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Konan managed to kick Zetsu out of the house, taking his Chia Hippo with him. It seemed he and his baby had failed the mission, but it wasn't over yet. Oh, no. They had lost the battle…but they would win the…next battle. Perhaps.

Pein decided it would be safest to just sleep in the attic tonight.

Kisame tracked down Kakuzu and made him sew his arm back on.

Tobi stayed up most of the night practicing throwing his voice. He was actually really good at it. Because he wears a fucking MASK.

Deidara went into shock and curled himself up into a fetal position, sucking his thumb.

Itachi eventually came to his senses, and did what he usually does when he wakes up from a rebounded Mangekyou Sharingan: eats.

The Uchiha got a Fudgsicle out of the freezer and happily sucked on it while channel surfing on the TV.

If he minded the layer of grassy Zetsu sperm coating the screen, he didn't show it.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Fuck you."

"No…fuck _you_."

"I'm not gay! I will not have a faggot sharing my bed!"

"Well I'm not sleeping on the floor! And Konan told me that Zetsu sprayed the living room, so I can't sleep on the couch either."

"Fine! Just…stay off my side of the bed!"

"Fine…"

There was a moment of silence as the two grown men lay there in a tiny twin bed really only meant for one person.

And then Hidan started shifting.

"Damn it, quit breathing so loud!"

"Quit your bitching."

"I'll quit bitching when you quit breathing!"

"…"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

**A/N: I have the strange sensation that all Deidara fan girls in the world are rising as one to demand I make a miracle grow for Dei's hair…ha ha, I gave him a mullet. I think I may be slain before I can finish this story. **

**And YES, it will eventually get to New Year's. Just…this is a Sequel, okay? And it may end up being 15 chapters long. So…with this chapter, only 11 chapters left. I will try to finish BY New Year's in reality, but I can't make any promises. **

**Next time: What happens when you give a Furby a bath? **


	5. Tobi, You Are the Father!

**Chapter 5: Tobi, You Are the Father! **

**Summary: A battle is fought between an artist, a puppet, a priest and a miser. Who will win? And why are there now TEN Furbies? Yeah…Tobi didn't end up giving Furby a bath. But he DID slop water on him. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else.**

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Good morning, Sasuke-kun! Did you sleep well?" Tobi asked the Furby tucked into the blankets next to him.

The Furby said nothing, trying to pretend it was still asleep, but Tobi seemed to know when Sasuke was faking it.

"Now now, don't be like that, silly! Let's go get some breakfast!"

"Sasuke wants water!"

"Water? For breakfast? How boring!" Tobi whined while he put Sasuke on his head and ran out of his room. He went to greet his Senpai first, as was his usual routine, but Deidara was still indisposed.

In fact, he was still in the same spot on the floor, curled up into a ball, but he was no longer sucking his thumb.

Instead, his right hand was shoved into the front of his pants, and he was giggling.

"Senpai?"

"Un…yeah…like that, hm…"

"SENPAAAAAI! Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!"

"Un?"

Deidara's eyes opened, and when he spotted Tobi, he froze. He looked down at himself, then back to Tobi, and quickly slid his hand out of his pants.

"Good morning, Deidara-senpai! Oh…why is your face so red? Do you have a fever?"

"No! Get the hell out, hm!"

Tobi fled with Sasuke cradled in his arms as a flock of clay parakeets with mullets chased him down…

When Tobi had gone, Deidara slid a hand over his head, whimpering. He'd wanted the hair cut to be a bad dream.

But it wasn't. Deidara chanced a look in his mirror, and gasped.

His yellow (butter flavored) hair was cut short on the top and left long on the bottom. His bangs had been sloppily chopped, not even long enough to cover his left eye.

Deidara wiped at his tears and his expression turned grim.

He glared down at his fallen forehead protector, picked it up, and put it back on his head.

"I shall have revenge for this, old man, un! You and your pray happy bitch are going to die….hm!"

Deidara's evil mood was interrupted by a muffled knock from the closet.

"Oh my God…DANNA! I forgot about you, un!"

The missing Rock nin ran over to the closet door and flung it open. A puppet fell out and gripped Deidara's feet, shaking with dry sobs.

"Danna! Are you okay, hm?"

Deidara pulled the puppet into his arms.

Sasori said nothing. Apparently, Kakuzu had pulled out his voice box. He blinked up at Deidara with Pledge filled eyes, and Deidara nodded.

"Hm. This. Means. War."

Sasori nodded so vigorously that his head fell off.

"I'll get that for you, Danna, un."

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kakuzu was holding Hidan from behind, and he leaned in with a smile to gently kiss Hidan's ear.

The priest's eyes flew open and he accessed the situation. Kakuzu was at his back, nuzzling his ear.

For some reason Hidan was holding Kakuzu's hand.

"Uh…Kakuzu? Why the fuck did you just kiss my ear?"

Kakuzu's own eyes cracked open.

"Why…are you holding my hand?" Kakuzu growled.

"Where's your other hand?" Hidan asked slowly. Kakuzu blinked.

"Between two pillows."

"Those….those aren't PILLOWS!" Hidan howled and leapt out of the bed. (If you didn't catch that, Kakuzu's hand was in between Hidan's cheeks XD)

Kakuzu leapt out of bed a second later when Hidan's scythe went flying.

"God damn it, Hidan!"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

This is supposed to cut to a scene in the attic, but it's so disturbing that I can't write it. I just can't. Instead of being graphic, I will say one phrase: Pein Chain. Yep, you heard me. Pein Chain. Use your yaoi gay porn dirty imagination:)

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

The Gumby mailbox greeted the morning alone. He had hoped that Sasuke would report back to him by now. The plant man was staring at him from the tree again, and it was getting annoying.

Had the overgrown weed killed Gumby's beloved Sasuke-chan? Surely not. Furbies are difficult to kill. Even an explosion had not ended his beloved's life.

A giant Venus fly trap/ Oreo hybrid was no match for such a toy.

'Sasuke-chan…please be okay…' the Gumby mailbox thought, willing its evil thoughts to reach its lover…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Sasuke isn't hungry! Sasuke is THIRSTY!"

"But Naruto O's is the best cereal ever! Even grandpa Kuzu likes it, and he doesn't like _anything_!"

"Sasuke is THIRSTY!"

"Fine!" Tobi yelled, and flung his Rugrats sippy cup at the Furby, sloshing it with water.

Sasuke would have grinned, had it been able to. Things were moving right along…soon, the Akatsuki would face an army the likes of which they had never seen before…

(cue villainous Furby laughter)

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Hidan and Kakuzu were bickering like an old married couple when their bedroom door blew off its hinges.

A puppet with a semiautomatic protruding from its mouth and a fruity little artist weighed down with garbage bags full of clay entered the room, and so, the first battle of the evening (ART VS AGE) commenced.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Tobi was just finishing up his cereal.

"Sasuke-kun, you don't look so good. Maybe you should lie down…"

"Sasuke is sleepy!"

"Alright, let's get you tucked in!"

Tobi grabbed the sick Furby, whose back looked oddly bubbly, and headed for his bedroom.

However, he paused when he heard his name.

"Tobi…"

"Oh, Itachi-san! Good morning!"

"Ah…"

Itachi was wrapped in a blanket on the couch, completely hidden except for the top of his head.

"I see you have joined Sasuke-kun…foolish little Tobi…"

"Erm…Sasuke is sick right now, so…"

"Would you like to see my stick?" Itachi asked excitedly.

Tobi jumped in surprise when the Uchiha shifted from beneath his blanket.

The masked idiot backed away slowly until he got to the stairs, and then he hauled ass out of there.

Itachi sighed and grabbed a Popsicle stick out from underneath his blankets and popped it into his mouth, chewing on it.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kisame passed a fleeing Tobi on his way downstairs. When he saw Itachi alive and conscious, he heaved a sigh of relief.

"Oh, I'm so glad to see you in one piece! Zetsu went nuts last night, and I'm sorry I didn't come get you, but my arm…what the hell are you doing?"

Itachi was finding random things in the couch cushions and sticking them in his mouth. He'd eaten his wooden stick, apparently, and was moving on to pennies and linty old peanuts.

"My peanut," Itachi said, munching with a smile on his face.

"Oh my God," Kisame muttered, slapping his head.

Itachi looked down and giggled.

"Would you like to see my stick?" he asked his lap.

To Kisame's surprise, Itachi pulled something else out of his pants and prodded it teasingly with yet another giggle.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sasuke's boils were so painful that Tobi had to lay him facedown on the bed.

Tobi stayed at his Furby's side, pretending to read him a story (Tobi can't read so he just sort of makes up shit based on the pictures).

"Oh my…" Tobi murmured as Sasuke started to shudder. The boils suddenly popped off of the Furby's back and began to squirm and chatter as if they were alive.

Before Tobi's very eye, the little boils expanded to Furby size.

"Sasuke-kun! Oh my Gosh, you weren't sick! You were _pregnant_! Why didn't you tell me!" Tobi cried, flipping Sasuke over so he could see his babies. There were now ten Furbies, including Sasuke.

Tobi beamed down at the babies lovingly. (Yes I know he has a mask, just visualize a heart floating above his head or something)

"Let's see…we should name them! How about this one is Naruto," Tobi said, pointing to the yellow one.

"And this one's Neji, and let's see…Gaara, Kuro, Shika, Shino, Lee, Sai…um…Oh! And you shall be Cho!" Tobi said lastly to the fattest one that was already eyeing Tobi's bag of potato chips over by his dollhouse.

"Everyone, give daddy a hug!" Tobi squealed, gathering all of the Furbies into a tight embrace.

Neji Furby went cross eyed while Lee Furby grinned, a sparkle gleaming on his beak.

There was a muffled howl of pain a few rooms over and the whole house shook, and Tobi looked around.

"I think Senpai is still mad at me for some reason. Let's…hide in the closet until he calms down."

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Die, termite buffet!"

"Hidan?"

"What the fuck do you want now, you old miser? I'm in the zone!"

"You're an idiot. He's a puppet. He doesn't _bleed_."

Hidan whirled on Kakuzu, scowling.

"You know, why can't you just shut the fuck up for once and let me do things _my_ way?"

Kakuzu sighed and pushed Hidan's head down as a puppet wielding a katana flew by.

"Because your way involves getting decapitated or gutted. You can't fight when you're headless, moron."

Kakuzu rolled out of the way as a rampaging clay rhinoceros galloped past, running into the wall and crashing into it, spraying flecks of clay and drywall everywhere.

"Give us back Sasori's voice box, un!"

"Quit blowing my shit up!" Kakuzu retorted, launching his hardened fist at Deidara's face.

Deidara ducked the fist and it hit the opposite wall.

"Ouch," Kakuzu grunted.

"Ouch!" Hidan echoed as Sasori stabbed him through the eye.

"Damn it! Right in the fucking eye!"

"Give Sasori no Danna his voice box back! Hm!" Deidara said for his master. Sasori nodded angrily.

"Kakuzu! Can't we just give it to them already? Ow! _My fucking eye_!"

Kakuzu tried to pull his arm back, but Deidara grabbed it and stuffed a clay pigeon into the palm.

Deidara let it snap back and it exploded in Kakuzu's face.

Kakuzu tripped over an upturned dresser and toppled behind it, clutching at his chest. When he could breathe again, Hidan poked him in the shoulder.

"Well?"

"Fine…"

Kakuzu grabbed the nearest white thing (which happened to be an old pair of Deidara's tighty whities) and waved it above his head in surrender.

A clay lemon grenade flew into Kakuzu's lap and he managed to throw it out the window before it exploded.

"Damn it, Deidara, I'm surrendering!"

"Akatsuki don't play fair, un!"

"We'll give you back the fucking shit box!" Hidan bawled. He now had the tighty whities pressed to his left eye in an attempt to stop the blood and…eye goo…from seeping out.

The artists ceased fire.

"Un?"

"Un! I mean, yeah!" Kakuzu yelled. He slipped a hand into his cloak and pulled out a small square device with a large speaker in the front and a USB port in the back and threw it over the dresser.

Sasori caught it and hopped up and down in glee, then handed it to Deidara.

The missing Rock nin pulled off a panel from Sasori's back, slid the box into its proper place, plugged in the USB cable, and popped the panel back on.

"Kakuzu, you're an asshole," Sasori snarled, and stalked out of the room.

Deidara blew raspberries at Kakuzu and Hidan (with three mouths) and scurried off after his Danna.

"Never mess with the puppet," Kakuzu said sagely.

"You mean, never mess with the puppet while his blond bitch is around."

"Shut up, Hidan," Kakuzu growled, wiping at the soot on his face with his good hand.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

When the fighting had stopped, Tobi and his Furbies came out of the closet. He'd entertained his Furbies with potato chips and scary ghost stories he'd picked up from episodes of Goosebumps, and they were all crooning happily.

"Datte bayo!" the yellow Furby cheered happily.

Tobi picked the Furby up and twirled with it in a fit of joy.

"Sasuke-kun, Naruto-chan just called me 'daddy'! Isn't that wonderful?"

Sasuke said nothing. The chips that Tobi had fed the other Furbies would soon do their magic. Oh yes…any moment now…the Furbies would transform…and the Akatsuki would be finished.

The chicken butt haired Furby eyed its 'children' in silence, waiting.

"Gaara-chan, Lee-chan, stop fighting! Oh, Shika-chan, do you want to play checkers?"

Tobi really had his hands full with seven Furby children, especially since the Furby 'mommy' wasn't lifting a finger.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kisame was still staring at the thing Itachi had pulled out of his pants with his jaw hanging down to his knees. So to speak.

"Ita…Itachi…_put it away_! What if someone sees?"

Konan happened to come downstairs at that moment, wearing a bathrobe and a scowl.

"You guys are all so fucking loud! God, it's driving me up the wall! I wish you'd all just kill each other off already so I can finally get some peace and quiet!"

Konan dragged on her cigarette, and choked when she realized what was going on over by the couch.

"Oh. My. God. Were you guys fucking on the couch?"

Kisame blushed and staggered backwards with his hands up.

"No, it's not like that! Itachi's delirious! He…"

"How much is that doggy style in the window?" Itachi mumbled and passed out.

Kisame pulled the blanket over Itachi and went into the kitchen, blushing so blue he looked like he'd been auditioning for the Blue Man Group.

Konan cackled like a witch and headed for the laundry room…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Hey, you guys are no fun! Come out now! I don't like this game!" Tobi complained loudly to nine slimy eggs hidden underneath his bed.

Apparently, it's not a good idea to feed Furbies chips. Why? Because they make weird cocoon eggs and transform into…something.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Next chapter: Furby War!**


	6. Furby War

**Chapter 6: Furby War**

**Summary: It's ten against ten. Who will be victorious? The evil Furbies…or the equally evil Akatsuki?! There are more 'Gans' in this chapter than you can shake Itachi's stick at. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else. **

**WARNING: Yaoi. KisaIta. Kind of graphic…but not detailed. XD **

**A/N: References to the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. If you've never seen them, it's okay. I think you'll get it even if you haven't, cuz pirates are pirates, savvy? **

**Also some…uh…1337 speak. But it's all translated, so no worries. And in any case, the Leet stuff didn't work properly when I uploaded it. Oh well. I'll go back and fix it when I feel like it. **

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Later that day, everyone gathered into the kitchen for lunch.

Kisame kept glancing nervously at Hidan, who for some reason thought he was a pirate.

"Would you mind passing me the ketchup, love?"

"I'm not your Love, un," Deidara said with narrowed eyes as he grabbed the ketchup.

"Look, don't get your bloomers in a knot, savvy?"

Deidara, who was sitting next to the priest, slapped him hard enough to make him twist in his chair. His eye patch shifted and everyone said "ew" from seeing the lack of…eye.

"I deserved that…" Hidan muttered, readjusting his eye patch (it has the Jashin triangle on it XD)

"What the hell is wrong with him, hm?" Deidara hissed to Sasori.

Sasori jerked his head towards Kakuzu, who looked awfully smug for someone who had his hand wrapped up in gauze.

"Kakuzu hit Hidan in the head with his iron fist, and I think he knocked a few screws loose in that idiot's head. Well, looser."

"Hm," Deidara uttered, nodding in understanding.

"Senpai, I really need your help with something!" Tobi was saying. He'd been pestering Deidara about Furby breeding for a full twenty minutes.

"Tobi…have you been licking the walls in your room, hm? I think that lurid pink paint is lead based, un…"

"Hey, do I know you from somewhere? Tortuga, mayhap?" Hidan asked Kisame for the hundredth time. Kisame sighed.

"I'm third generation don't give a fuck," Itachi said coldly to his bologna sandwich.

Yes, apparently, a rebounded Mangekyou Sharingan did quite a number on your brain.

"I'm thirsty. Does anyone need anything in the fridge, un?" Deidara asked, getting up.

"Yeah, I want a Coke," Kisame said.

"Rum for me, love."

"Prune juice…" (Kakuzu's old, old people drink prune juice.)

"Damn you people, hm! I'm not a waitress!"

"You asked, dumb ass," Kakuzu growled.

"Oh, Deidara, get me some Kool-Aid, will you?" Konan asked over her bowl of Cheezits.

"Damn woman…"

Deidara stalked over to the fridge and threw it open, pulling out everyone's shit. He had to bend over to get to the Coke, and when he did, Itachi extended his hands out in front of him, sort of clawing and slapping at the air.

"Itachi, what are you doing?" Sasori asked with narrowed eyes.

"Air groping."

"Alright, that's it, you're going to go upstairs _right_ now and take a nap…to sleep off your weird…ness…"

Kisame murmured a prayer to Jesus and hit Itachi hard over the head with his plate.

The plate shattered, and Itachi went out cold, slumping in his chair.

The shark nin heaved Itachi onto his shoulder and carried him away.

"Arr…the Kracken claims another one, ay?" Hidan said, now waving a hook in the air.

"Where the hell did you get that hook?" Kakuzu asked, eyes wide.

"Sea turtles…aye," Hidan uttered. Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"This is going to go down on the list of Shit I Shouldn't Do," Kakuzu sighed heavily. He really needed a drink.

Too bad booze was no longer allowed. It had been added to his very own Junk Food Ban, even though it wasn't technically a food, and nothing he could do would change Leader's mind.

Deidara, who had chosen not to acknowledge the fact that Itachi had 'air groped' him, returned to the table, serving up everyone's drinks.

"Come on, yeh yellow bellied barstards! Walk the plank!" Hidan suddenly howled, leaping onto the table and waving his hook around again.

Suddenly the smoke alarm went off and Hidan yelped and grabbed onto the light over the kitchen table.

"Oh, shit! I forgot about my grilled cheese!" Konan cried, running over to the stove, where there was a black cloud issuing from a pan.

"Damn it, where's Kisame when you need him! I'm made out of paper…can one of you idiots help me?"

"I'm down to just my earth based heart right now, can't help you, sorry. Unless you want me to break the fucking stove?"

"No…Pein, help!"

"I don't know what you expect me to do! The only one of my bodies who can help out is upstairs, sleeping. And…I don't want to bother him. He's really tired…I worked that one especially hard…" Pein said with a smile.

Everyone looked around uncomfortably. Hidan fell from the light and landed on the table, upsetting everyone's plates and glasses.

Sasori heaved a sigh and got up, grabbed a glass on the counter, filled it with tap water and poured it onto the fire.

"Water over fire, morons," Sasori said, rolling his eyes. Unfortunately, one of his eyes got stuck mid roll.

"Damn it!"

"Danna, let me help you, hm!" Deidara chirped, whipping out a can of Pledge and spraying it generously on Sasori's affected part.

"Ah…thank you, Deidara," Sasori said, suddenly holding a dog biscuit in his hand. He threw it up in the air and Deidara's left hand caught it.

"Mm! hm!"

"Yar, I be knowin' that lass be the poppet's bitch! Aye!" Hidan said with a cackle.

Kakuzu hid his face in his hands.

"Definitely the worst pirate impression I've ever seen…"

"Yo ho ho and a bott'l o' rum! I got me a treasure map, let's you and me sail the seven seas and seek ye out some shinies! Ar!"

Kakuzu perked up at that.

"Treasure?"

Hidan waved a napkin with a crude map drawn on it with ketchup.

"Oh, for the love of money," Kakuzu growled and grabbed the napkin and wiped it all over Hidan's face.

"You're, uh…bleedin' out yer eye patch, go make yerself proper, aye?" Kakuzu said and went back to his turkey on rye.

"Blimey! Aye, so I am!" Hidan said with another hearty drunken pirate laugh and hobbled away, no doubt pretending to have a wooden leg.

Kakuzu wanted to make that a reality, but he had to finish his lunch first. It'd been a trying day already.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

After lunch, Tobi convinced Deidara to come up to his room and see his Furby litter.

"I'm telling you, you must have been hallucinating. Furbies are just toys. They're not like Danna's puppets, hm?"

"No, but they are! One of them called me 'daddy!'"

"Riiight, un…"

They entered Tobi's pink room and Deidara glared around, snorting when he saw the charcoal broiled Sasuke Furby tucked in Tobi's bed.

"Is that the new mommy, hm?"

"Yes, isn't he beautiful? Poor Sasuke-kun is still tired."

"Hm…so where's the babies at? Un?"

"Under the bed. Now be quiet, I don't know if they're asleep or not, they hid inside Easter eggs."

Tobi dropped to his knees and lay flat on his belly, scooting half way under his bed.

After a moment's hesitation, Deidara did the same.

"Holy shit, un! Gross! Why is it sticky under here, hm?"

"I don't know…but the eggs are all slimy too, see?"

Tobi poked at one of the eggs, and his gloved finger came away with a glob of goo on it.

"Ew…I don't think this is a Furby litter…I think these are alien eggs, hm."

Deidara scooted back out from underneath Tobi's bed and pulled a face when he saw slime all down the front of his cloak.

When Tobi stood up a moment later, Deidara grabbed Tobi's sexy green scarf and used it to wipe at the goop.

"Deidara-senpai, this scarf is hard to wash!"

The missing Rock nin paid Tobi no heed.

"There, thanks, hm? Now we should get the hell out of here, hm? I think we should tell Leader to fumigate the house in case there are more of these things lying around, un."

Deidara started to walk towards the door when he heard a voice.

"Sasuke wants revenge…"

Deidara froze and whirled, shooting Tobi a quelling look. Tobi shook his head and pointed to the black Furby on the bed.

It had stood up and was glaring at Deidara with red eyes. The three marks of the Sharingan were whirling in its crimson irises.

"Sasuke wants revenge RIGHT NOW!"

Deidara quickly averted his own eyes, and happened to focus instead on the floor.

There were cracking noises issuing from under the bed…the Furbies were hatching…

"Oh my God, un…" Deidara muttered.

He backed up to the door, wrenched it open and fled.

Tobi stayed, however. He didn't want to be a dead beat dad, after all. Tobi was a good daddy.

"Sasuke-kun! The babies, they're…"

Tobi trailed off as he watched the newly transformed Furbies crawl out from under the bed. They still looked like Furbies, only they seemed…evil. And…more animated somehow.

The masked moron sobbed and slid to the floor.

"Come give daddy a hug!" Tobi cried, holding his arms wide.

The Furbies hobbled over to him, some of them (Gaara Furby in particular) grinning wickedly.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Deidara started pounding on random doors, screaming bloody murder.

"ALIENS, UN! ALIENS IN THE HOUSE!"

The blond hammered on the door to Hell (Itachi and Kisame's room) so hard that the cheap door fell off its hinges, and Deidara gaped in dumb shock at the scene before him that can best be described (politely) as…a weasel sitting on a shark's lap. Over and over again.

Deidara's hands started to drool despite himself.

Itachi happened to look across the room at the little blond voyeur, and he smiled, curling his fingers as if to say 'come here.' Or was that 'cum' here?

In any case, Deidara ran out of there as fast as he could. A threesome with a shark and a weasel was way scarier than a possible alien invasion…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Tobi was quickly taken over by the ten evil Furbies. They bound and gagged him and dragged him down the stairs, planning to use him as a hostage.

"Datte bayo!" Naruto Furby said as loudly as he could. That damn Furby was like a Pokemon: it could only say one fucking thing over and over again.

The yellow Furby was in fact so loud that everyone came running into the living room to see what was going on.

Even Kisame and Itachi came down.

"What the fuck is this shit?" Hidan said, throwing off his hook. Apparently, Kakuzu hit him in the head again to knock the Pirate shit right out of him.

"Mmmmm!" Tobi said, as he was gagged.

A rock suddenly crashed through the window, showering Tobi and the Furbies with shards of glass.

But no…it wasn't a rock…it was…

"Chia Hippo?" Kisame asked the little lump of fired clay. Its hide was freshly sown with creepy Zetsu spermy babies.

Zetsu leapt through the window a moment later, still looking odd with the top of his fly trap severed.

He looked like he'd gotten a bad hedge cut.

"_Oh no, I'm too late_!" Whitey cried.

"**Tobi got it wet, we should eat the moron for his carelessness**," Blackey said.

"_Sh! Tobi is simple…he isn't to blame. One of these idiots should have been watching him_…"

"Shoo! No plants in the house!" Konan yelled, brandishing a half melted spatula at the overgrown weed.

Zetsu rolled his eyes.

"**You should be more concerned about the pack of villainous Furbies about to massacre us all!"**

"I'll kill you," Gaara Furby said to the room at large. He was having a good day.

"Ah…you have a point, hm."

"You defy me yet again…foolish little brother…" Itachi whispered harshly to the crispiest looking black Furby.

"Sasuke is an avenger!" Sasuke Furby said boldly to the Uchiha.

"Are we seriously going to have to fight furry chicken toys?" Kakuzu asked in disbelief.

Shika Furby sighed.

"Troublesome!"

Tobi whimpered, bringing everyone's attention back to him.

"Surrender, and we will let your Tobi go!" Sasuke said.

The Akatsuki exchanged looks, and then everyone burst into laughter.

"We don't give a shit about that retard! You can fucking chop his head off and use it as a bowling ball for all we care! Seriously!" Hidan gasped in between bales of laughter.

"Sasuke will KILL Tobi then!"

The Furby coughed up a kunai and hopped up to Tobi, the point of the weapon at his throat.

"No!" Zetsu cried.

Sasuke paused and smirked.

Pein ran off for some reason.

"So…what happens if we surrender?" Kakuzu asked the head Furby.

"The Gumby mailbox will take over your organization. Gumby-sama and I too, wish to take over the world."

"Oh, HELL no! I knew that fucking diabolical green bean was fucking possessed! Why the hell did we take it with us?" Hidan yelled at the room at large.

No one seemed to have an answer.

Pein came back down as his pretty Pony Tail self, and pointed dramatically at the Furbies.

"71\/3 70 )13 817(-3$!" (Translation: Time To Die Bitches!)

"Oh, God, we're fucked, hm," Deidara said, slapping his head.

"1 $u\/\/0\/ \/r. rb$!!" (I summon Mr. Krabs!)

All of a sudden, a gigantic crab appeared, pinching its claw menacingly.

"I guess this means we fight?" Kisame said.

Zetsu took the time while everyone was distracted by Pein's 'leetness' to free Tobi.

Sasuke looked at the giant crab by the stairs, and then swept his bulging red eyes around the room, nodding.

"So…it is ten Furbies…against ten Akatsuki…an even match, it seems…"

"In your fucking dreams, V008 (noob)!" Hidan yelled, shaking his scythe.

"Hidan, I didn't know you spoke 1337 (leet)?" Kakuzu asked his partner in surprise.

"Yeah, well if you spent more time engaging me in conversation than in non con sex…"

"_Okay_, shut the hell up already! We're in the middle of a war!"

"_I knew Kakuzu was a rapist, un_!" Deidara whispered to his Danna.

Pein made Mr. Krabs clear the furniture out of the way (don't ask me why they still prefer to fight battles in the living room instead of, say, an open field somewhere) and the Akatsuki and Furbies paired off.

As in all anime fights, there was a moment of silence in which the opponents stared each other down.

Pein was facing off against Kuro (Kankuro Furby), who had purple lipstick painted on his face.

Konan eyed the flea bitten Shino Furby with disdain, adjusting her flower.

Zetsu and Cho Furby gnashed their teeth at each other.

Tobi and Lee exchanged identical looks of bemusement.

Kakuzu glared at Shika Furby, who looked out the window, appearing to be bored.

Hidan and Sai were flicking each other off.

Sasori smiled slightly at Neji Furby, who had its Byakugan already working overtime.

Deidara grinned at Gaara Furby, who looked absolutely insane. It actually rather looked like Sasori, if he had been a Furby stricken with insomnia.

Kisame was smiling toothily at Naruto Furby, who had its eyes squinted shut, cocking its head as if it were mildly retarded.

Itachi, of course, was staring down Sasuke Furby, who was perhaps the most evil of them all…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Aaaaaaaand THEY'RE OFF!

Hidan immediately took a swing at Sai Furby with his scythe, who ducked easily and started chuckling.

"Ha ha ha! Penis!"

"What the fuck did you say about my dick, you gay ass little fucking doll?"

"Penis!"

"Shut the fuck up already, fuzzy balls!"

Hidan got out a spike and managed to impale Sai Furby in the gut.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kakuzu easily grabbed his Furby and crushed it.

"Troublesome…" it sighed as it died.

Out of habit, Kakuzu yanked out the Furby's batteries (the heart of all electronic toys).

"Damn…these are AA…"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"80\/\/ )0\/\/\/ 70 \/Y 1337 $1!!$!" (Bow down to my leet skills!) Pein roared, making Mr. Krabs slash at Kuro Furby.

"3 !" (Eff U!) Kuro answered back, using chakra strings to tie up Mr. Krabs's claws.

While Kuro Furby was busy binding the giant crustacean, Pein ran up to the Furby and stomped on it.

" 2 #\/\/y 1 13 ! (Ur funny I like U)!" Pein said as he continuously brought his heel down on the Furby.

" 2 \/07 #\/\/y 1 )0 \/07 13 (Ur not funny. I do not like U.)" Kuro Furby whined as his brain was smashed in. One of its eyes popped out and rolled across the floor.

"Omnomnomnom!" Cho Furby said, grabbing up the eyeball and popping it into his beak.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Buggies!" Shino Furby said, hopping onto Konan's head.

"Oh my God, noooo!" Konan shrieked, peeling paper from her arm and rolling it up as it formed into a newspaper, beating the Furby away.

When that didn't work, Konan pulled a cigarette out of her pocket, lit it, and jammed it in Shino Furby's ear.

Shino and his fleas screamed in agony and dropped to the ground.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"God…damn…you…fucking Furbies! _Hold still_!" Kisame snarled, swinging his Samehada wildly as twenty Kage Bunshin Naruto Furbies hopped around him, yelling "Datte Bayo" at the top of their voice boxes.

"Hey hey hey! Ero Same!" one of the Naruto Furbies said, kicking Kisame in the back of the head.

The shark nin whirled, only to hear "RASENGAN!" from behind.

Kisame whirled again and blocked the spinning ball of chakra with his Samehada.

The Samehada sucked up the chakra and burped.

"Good boy," Kisame cooed at his beloved sword, petting it.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"I will KILL you…" Gaara Furby growled, trying for the hundredth time to enclose Deidara in sand so he could crush him to death.

The missing Rock nin showered the red Furby with little clay lady bug bullets, and some of them became lodged in Gaara Furby's eyes.

"KATSU!" Deidara yelled, and the Furby's eyes exploded, spraying Deidara with bits of plastic eyeball.

"I am SO kick ass, hm," Deidara said to himself.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Tobi lay in a crumbled heap on the floor, as he'd been royally owned by Lee Furby.

The green Furby with the thick eyebrows was doing the 'nice guy pose' to the best of his ability, until an overgrown weed ran him over.

"Omnomnomnom!" Cho Furby said, munching on casualties as he came upon them.

Suddenly, Cho was knocked into the air by Hidan's scythe, and he flew in a graceful arc…right into Zetsu's gaping mouth.

"Omnnomnomnom…"

"_Ooh…that feels good going down…."_

"**Hee hee…that tickles…"**

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sasori's opponent had hit nearly every vital point in his body, but to no avail. Sasori was a puppet afterall, and all h e had to do was dodge the open hand that had tried to go for his heart, and he was fine.

"Toys like to do useless things, don't they?" Sasori chided his Furby.

"Destiny!" Neji Furby cried, trying once again to hit Sasori's heart.

"I'm tired of you," Sasori said, and grabbed a hose he had connected to a large tank at his side, and let loose poisonous acid on the Furby.

Even as it spun rapidly to deflect it, the acid was no match for the Furby, and so, Neji Furby's Kaiten was defeated.

"Finally…"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Foolish little brother…."

"Sasuke will avenge the clan!"

Itachi sighed and blew fire at the Furby.

Sasuke dodged it and ran at Itachi with a Chidori in his…hands…(wings, paws, something)

"Why did you do it! Why kill everyone! Even…mom and dad!"

Itachi sidestepped Sasuke Furby's Chidori easily, stabbing the Furby with a kunai.

"I had to. You wouldn't understand…Hakuna Matata…"

Itachi grabbed the Furby and made it look into his eyes.

"Your hatred will never be enough…"

Itachi's eyes turned into the Mangekyou Sharingan…and Sasuke Furby was thrown into Furby Hell, in which bored prepubescent boys took the poor toy's body apart…piece by piece…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

The war was nearly over. Among the Furbies, only Naruto Furby was still alive.

However, Mr. Krabs soon took care of that, crushing Naruto into furry little pieces with his bigger claw.

"So…" Kakuzu said conversationally, sitting on a ripped up easy chair and rolling AA batteries in his hand.

"Can we hit the mall today? I'd like to use my gift card before it expires."


	7. Mr and Mrs Hoshigaki

**Chapter 7: Mr. and Mrs. Hoshigaki**

**Summary: After failing to get Kakuzu to pay for a new washer and dryer, and…causing mayhem at the laundry mat, some of the Akatsuki head to the Hoshigaki household with garbage bags full of dirty clothes in desperate need of cleaning. **

**Meanwhile, those left at home are terrorized by the Gumby Mailbox! (Are you tired of that thing yet?)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else. **

**A/N: Don't worry, we're getting close to the party, I swear! Remember that there is no washer or dryer (Kakuzu pawned them.) **

"**Aka Leaf High" is a REAL story! Go read it, damn it! It belongs to Ren Ren (Purplewolfstar35).!**

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"How about this set? Only $499.99, and we'll throw in a puppy!" the ABC Warehouse salesman said happily, opening up the lid to the dryer and pulling out Akamaru.

"Bark bark!"

"Yay, a kitty!"

"Tobi, you idiot, it's a dog!"

Tobi grabbed the puppy and twirled around the store with it, saying "CATDOG IS A GOOD BOY!" over and over again.

Konan had a vein throbbing in her temple.

"Why did we bring him again?"

Kisame sighed.

"We didn't. He put on roller skates and hitched a ride on my back bumper all the way here…"

"Hey, ma'am? You can't smoke in here!" another salesman said, rushing up to Konan who had just lit up a cigarette and was puffing on it like it was going out of style.

"Spend an entire car ride with these morons, and see how long YOU can go without lighting up."

Konan blew smoke in the man's face, starting to peel at the edges. (She peels when she's mad.)

"B-but…we don't allow smoking in…AAAAARGH!"

The salesmen fled for their lives as they were swarmed with a cloud of origami paper bees.

One of the salesmen happened to bump into Itachi as he ran.

Itachi grabbed the man by collar and glared into his face.

"Ah…foolish litt—"

"NO, ITACHI, NOOOO!" Kisame suddenly howled, grabbing Itachi and clamping his hand over the Uchiha's eyes to prevent a possible salesman massacre.

Being stung by paper bees was one thing….getting tortured by Emo-tachi was another.

"Look, Catdog! Grandpa's crying!"

Indeed, Kakuzu was so overwhelmed with price tags in the hundreds that he was curled up into a little ball over by the electronics, whimpering.

He didn't even budge when a group of Konoha rednecks trampled him as they made their way over to the big screen TV's, where there was a looped video of a Nascar race playing.

"Oh my Gawd, Cletus! They're taking a left turn!"

"Well, I'll be damned!"

"Hey, Kakuzu? Where'd that old miser go…" Konan muttered angrily, putting out her cigarette on a teen kid's ball cap bearing the words "Aka Leaf High."

"Get bent, cunt!" the kid yelled, flicking Konan off.

"What did you say, little punk?!"

Konan chased the kid around with paper cut bitch slaps.

Kisame sighed and ran after the rampaging paper kunoichi.

It was pretty sad when the sanest member of an evil organization…was a fucking shark…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

After being chased out of the store by some Rent A Ninja, Kisame and crew decided that maybe they'd just put off buying a washer and dryer, and head to the laundry mat.

"Kakuzu, I need some quarters," Kisame said to the old missing Falls nin.

The old missing Falls nin simply blinked. Kisame sighed heavily.

"Quarters, Kakuzu. For the machines."

"…."

Kisame bared his teeth, reaching behind him for his Samehada, even though it wasn't there.

"Old man…if you don't give me some God damned quarters—"

"_Mine."_

Kisame blinked.

"Excuse me?"

"_Mine_," Kakuzu repeated, clutching at his bag of money (Bag O' Money) as if it were his last heart.

"We can't operate the machines without change!"

"What's the hold up?" Konan asked sternly, looking from the shark to the old man with her hands on her hips.

"Kakuzu won't share."

"Kakuzu! Fork over the money, or I'll rip out your tentacles and strangle you with them!"

"They're not tentacles. They're _threads_."

"Whatever! Just give me the fucking quarters, NOW!"

"…"

Konan took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

She either was going to cause Kakuzu bodily harm, or scream at him so loud that his ears would bleed, but she didn't get the chance.

At that exact moment when she was about to explode, Tobi knocked her over, sobbing.

"CATDOG IS IN TROUBLE!!" Tobi howled. Tears were spraying out of the sides of his mask, getting everyone wet.

Kisame was the only one that didn't mind.

"What are you talking about?" Konan asked angrily, getting to her feet and looking around.

Her blue eyes bulged when she spotted Itachi sitting on a washer, kicking his feet and picking his nose.

An old lady was shaking her fist at him, but he didn't appear to be listening.

Kisame leapt over rows of washing machines and grabbed Itachi by the hair and dragged him away just as he started to turn his head in the old lady's direction.

The shark nin grabbed a pair of teenage mutant ninja turtle themed undies and slipped them snugly over Itachi's head, blinding him.

"I'm so sorry about that, ma'am!" Kisame said apologetically.

"He's…uh…not all there," the shark added with a grin.

"Oh…touched in the head, is he? Poor dear. Here, I got some candy for the two of you, then."

The old lady handed Kisame a bag of Sweedish fish and pinched his cheek.

"Take good care of your brother, handsome."

Kisame blushed. Poor thing doesn't get called 'handsome' very often.

"Oh my God, you put the dog in the washer? What the hell is wrong with you?!" Konan yelled, pulling the undies off of Itachi's head and slapping him across the face.

Itachi, whose eyes had been closed, snapped them open, glaring vehemently at the kunoichi.

"_Sasuke_…_you lack…penis_…"

Konan paled. Kisame gasped as if he'd just been kicked in the gut.

"EVERYONE OUT! _NOW_!" Kisame screamed to the room at large. Some people giggled, but that was it. They might figure out that Kisame was being dead serious. When they were dead.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

The Akatsuki, led by Kisame and Itachi (who was blindfolded with a tube sock and thrown over the shark's shoulder), raced out of the building.

The "Git R Done Laundry Mat" was smoldering with black flames.

Those that still had their legs ran out of the building with whatever clothes they could carry, screaming at the top of their lungs.

"Next time we take you out, we're putting you on a _leash_!" Konan screeched, whacking Itachi repeatedly with a giant rolled up newspaper.

"You lack hatred…foolish blue woman…"

"THAT'S IT!!!"

"Don't hit him on the head! His mind is damaged enough!!" Kisame howled.

"Catdog, stay with me!" Tobi crooned at the wet puppy in his collar. The puppy whimpered feebly. Apparently the washer Itachi had been sitting on had been occupied with a dog wash.

"My money," Kakuzu growled. His mind was rather damaged too. From…price tag shock…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Now what?" Konan asked while snapping Tobi into his car seat. She handed him his Rugrats sippy cup and straightened up.

Kisame was on the other side, fastening Itachi's seat belt.

"I don't know…" Kisame said, now wiping drool off of Itachi's chin with a paper towel he'd nicked from Konan's arm.

"Something free," Kakuzu grunted. He was staring out the window at the ruins of the Laundry Mat while caressing his money bag.

Konan smiled.

"Hey…we're not too far from your parents' house over here…we could stop by there!" Konan said.

Kisame paled.

"Uh, no, that's not a good idea…"

"Sure it is!"

"No, I really don't think…"

Konan started to peel dangerously again. Kisame gulped and got in the driver's seat.

"Er…fine then."

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Within half an hour, a kunoichi, a shark, a weasel, a moron and a miser were standing on the porch of the Hoshigaki household.

Kisame took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

The door opened, and a short, plump, rather blue old woman peered up at the five Akatsuki.

"Oh, if it isn't my Gilly Gins!" Mrs. Hoshigaki crooned, grabbing Kisame around the middle in a shark hug. Kisame patted his mom on the head.

"Er…merry belated Christmas, mom."

"Merry Christmas, Gilly Gins!"

Mrs. Hoshigaki looked around at the others and grinned, her sharp teeth making her look rather predatory.

"Well, everyone come in, come in! I was just baking some cookies…"

Kisame's mom walked off into the house, and Kisame whirled on the others.

Tobi was bouncing on the balls of his feet. Kakuzu was eyeing the brass letters nailed to the siding as if trying to determine if they were worth anything.

Itachi was giggling softly, staring at his feet.

Konan, however, was biting her fist to keep from laughing.

"Gilly Gins?!"

Kisame glowered.

"Don't say ANYTHING about this to anyone in Akatsuki, or else."

"Right…." Konan said, still smiling.

They all walked in the house, Kisame leading them into the kitchen.

Tobi closed the door and dawdled, looking at all of the pictures on the walls.

Most of the portraits were of Kisame in various states of awkward adolescence, from his third grade photo in which he had two teeth missing in the front, to his prom, in which he had a bad case of acne and what looked like a beached whale in a pink tarp for a date.

"Hey, Tobi! Get in here. My mom made cookies for you."

"Oh, Tobi loves cookies!" Tobi chirped, skipping down the hall into the brightly lit kitchen.

An older, skinnier version of Kisame was sitting at the kitchen table, glaring at a newspaper as if it had mortally wounded him.

"Ya still in that little ninja club, dumb ass?" Mr. Hoshigaki growled at his son.

Kisame sighed heavily.

"No, dad…it's not a _club_, it's an evil organization."

"I knew that swordsmen gang would lead nowhere," Mr. Hoshigaki snapped, turning the page. He settled one beady eye on Kisame and snorted.

"Don't see why you can't get a _real_ job…"

"Oh, don't mind your father, 'Same. He's just upset because the guys wouldn't take him fishing this weekend."

"Hey, mind your own business, woman! I think I smell something burning. Remember what I said the other day? The smoke alarm is NOT a timer."

"Oh, I almost forgot about the pie!" Mrs. Hoshigaki said, slipping on some oven mits and rushing over to the oven.

She pulled out a perfectly brown apple pie and set it on the windowsill.

"So, what's your story?" Mr. Hoshigaki barked to Itachi, who had grabbed the entire plate of cookies and was scarfing them down.

"The wheel turns but the hamster's dead," Itachi said wisely, staring at Mr. Hoshigaki's bald spot.

"I think you need to lay off the snuff for a while, numb nuts," Mr. Hoshigaki said slowly.

"Itachi's not on drugs, dad. He's just out of it right now."

"And what else do we have here?" Mr. Hoshigaki went on, looking at the other Akatsuki.

"A crack whore, an illegal immigrant and…a weird guy with a flat basketball taped to his face…you bring shame to the family, son," Mr. Hoshigaki growled while shaking his head.

Kisame rolled his eyes up at the ceiling.

"Daaaad…the woman is Konan, and Kakuzu's not an illegal immigrant. He's just been left out in the sun too long. And…er…"

"Tobi is pleased to meet you!" Tobi squealed, holding out a gloved hand.

Mr. Hoshigaki glared at the hand but wouldn't shake it.

Tobi hugged the old shark man instead.

"Get off me, fruit loop!" Mr. Hoshigaki snapped, pushing the touchy feely nin away.

"So, what did you come here for anyway, eh? Money? Free food?"

Kisame wrung his hands, looking nervous.

"Er…well…"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Meanwhile, back at the Akatsuki house, Zetsu was back to his usual spot across the street, spying on the Gumby mailbox. However, the plant man had fallen asleep, and the mailbox chose that moment to make his move.

He called upon the powers of Hell itself, and something resembling a Gumby snake popped out of the mailbox and slithered across the grass.

When Deidara opened the front door, hauling a large garbage bag full of uneaten Furby carcasses, the Gumby snake slipped in the opening.

'Mwa ha ha ha…' thought the Gumby mailbox snake.

When Deidara reached the curb, he gave the mailbox a nervous look as he set the bag down.

The missing Rock nin tiptoed around the mailbox and then ran the rest of the way to the house.

"Hey, is there any way we can get rid of that mailbox, un? It did try to kill us, after all."

"No, the mailbox stays. It keeps away the Jehovah's Witnesses," Pein said from the couch.

With Itachi gone, the Akatsuki could watch TV the way it was meant to be watched. Stuck on one channel, preferably an R rated movie with silly edits dubbed in to make it safe for the kids.

"What the fuck is a 'ducking doodle?'" Hidan said. He looked rather relaxed for someone who was bleeding all over the plastic covering the entire love seat.

There was plastic lining the stairs too, and a trail of blood seemed to lead straight to Hidan.

The priest was thoroughly enjoying his time away from Kakuzu. As soon as the old miser had left, Hidan started stabbing himself with every sharp object he could find, cursing the old man's name until 'fucking Kakuzu' became 'Fuh Kuzu."

"This movie's stupid. Can't we watch something else?" Sasori asked. He was sitting on the floor, wrenching on a random puppet's arm.

"Hey, un! Sasori, you can watch TV in our room, remember?"

"Oh…yeah…" Sasori murmured, putting his tools away and lugging the puppet arm over his shoulder.

The puppet tiptoed around Hidan's trail of blood as he walked upstairs. After a moment, Deidara followed him.

The blond had a wicked grin plastered on his face. Unfortunately for Sasori, he didn't have eyes in the back of his head, and so, was unaware of his impending doom.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

'RIP…TEAR…KILL…' thought the Gumby snake, slithering in and out of the plumbing in the house. He would make them pay…oh yes…

Hidan was his first victim. The priest went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet, propping open his bible on his lap.

However, he was unable to do his business because the voice of Satan spoke to him through the U Bend.

"Die…" Satan AKA Gumby said, and the toilet came to life, the toilet seat coming down on Hidan's back as if trying to bite him.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Hidan howled, trying to get up, but the toilet flushed itself, the suction so strong that the priest was folded in half and sucked down the toilet.

The pipes expanded to accommodate a grown man, and Hidan slid through slimy, shit caked pipes to end up Jashin only knew where.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sasori and Deidara walked into their room. Sasori set down his puppet arm and looked over at the TV. He made to grab the remote and turn it on, but paused.

The remote looked awfully strange…as if it were made out of…clay…

Sasori narrowed his eyes. So, the little blond was playing a trick on him!

The puppet would get him for that…

"Deidara? Can you go downstairs and get me a can of Pledge?"

"Un? But you still have a whole case of it in your closet!"

"Yeah, but I don't want to open that case yet. Please?"

Sasori looked to Deidara with big brown puppy dog eyes and Deidara rolled his own blue ones.

"Fine, un."

Deidara wandered in the kitchen, and opened up the cabinet doors under the sink.

He grabbed the can of Pledge and froze when he heard the voice of Satan speak to him from the pipes.

"Un?" Deidara muttered. He peered at the drain in the sink, and then flew backwards as the sink suddenly rose up in the air and knocked the blond hard in the face, teeth spraying everywhere.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sasori made one of his puppets remove the remote control from the bedroom, and then he spent some time scrutinizing the TV. Surely Deidara wouldn't sabotage his own television?

It didn't appear to be made of clay, so Sasori deemed it safe and pressed the power button.

Deidara's face came on the screen.

"ART IS A BANG, UN!" he said, and Sasori could only gape in shock for a second before the entire room blew up.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

**To be continued!**

**Chapter 8: "Pimp My Puppet"**

**Where did Hidan end up? And will Exhibit and his crew be able to put Sasori back together again?**


	8. Pimp My Puppet

**Chapter 8: Pimp My Puppet**

**Summary: Hidan is found. Deidara's hair is fixed. Sasori gets pimped out by Xzibit and crew. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else. **

**A/N: I didn't make it in time for New Year's. Sorry, guys. I wasn't in the mood for crack, and ended up writing a few oneshots in genres I don't usually do. The hell? I think I wrote fluff! **

**Xzibit is so OOC, because I am a geeky white chick who loves the show "Pimp My Ride" but for the life of me, I can't remember exactly how the dude talks, so I did my best. And Youtube, you fucking SUCK for not having enough clips from the show on your site! Damn it! I've found more shit on Furby Torture!!!**

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

The evil Gumby mailbox snake slithered through the pipes, hoping he'd come across the vile Leader soon.

Unfortunately for him, he took a wrong turn, and ended up in the garden hose somehow.

'Shit,' he thought as he was squeezed out of it and landed lightly in the frozen grass.

Zetsu was staring at him from his half melted spot near the dry twigs that had once been tomatoes.

"Your evil plan stops here," Zetsu said darkly and vines flew out of the ground and wrapped around the snake.

"You have not seen the last of the Gumby Snake!" Gumby howled, and disappeared into green smoke.

His…soul…or whatever it is…returned to the mailbox, and a duo of Jehovah's Witnesses who'd been prowling the neighborhood that day fled in fear.

"Now…" Zetsu muttered to himself, "maybe I should take a miracle bath…it's about time I regrew the top of my fly trap…"

Zetsu grabbed some old milk jugs full of blue liquid (diluted miracle grow) and hauled them over to his giant terra cotta pot he liked to sleep in.

He melted into it and poured the blue stuff all over him, moaning and hissing sweet nothings to himself.

"Aaaaaaaaaaah…"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Pein, who was still watching TV in the living room, didn't even budge when the Artists' Room had exploded upstairs.

When there was another commercial, Pein got up to fetch a Coke. He wondered idly where Hidan had gone, but when the movie came back on, his mind went back to being emptied…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"What the fuck is this? The Chamber of Shit?"

Hidan had been swallowed by a possessed toilet to end up shooting through pipes and tunnels and land…in a giant hall miles underground.

"Figures…I wasn't constipated, I was sensing evil again! Damn…"

Hidan started praying silently to Jashin, asking for the wisdom to see evil, and the strength to repel it.

He opened his eyes and saw a dim glow off in the passage ahead. Seeing it as a beacon of hope, a sign of Jashin, something, Hidan followed it…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Back at the Hoshigaki house, Kisame and crew were loading freshly laundered bags of clothes into the van.

"Thanks so much, mom," Kisame said sweetly, kissing his mommy on the cheek.

Kakuzu was grinning from beneath his mask. He'd managed to nick all of the silver spoons in Mrs. Hoshigaki's silverware drawers, as well as several gold watches Mr. Hoshigaki had had in a junk drawer.

Yes…he'd have to visit the Hoshigakis more often…

"Goodbye, Konan," Mrs. Hoshigaki said, hugging the paper kunoichi tight enough to crack ribs.

"B-bye, Mrs. Hoshigaki…" Konan wheezed, unable to breathe.

Mrs. Hoshigaki let Konan go to hug Tobi next.

"You need to quit hiding your face! You're such a charming young man!"

"Tobi is a good boy!"

Mrs. Hoshigaki went to hug Kakuzu, but he stepped backwards away from her.

"Er…I have…hugaphobia," Kakuzu said (truthfully) and hurried off to claim shotgun in the van. As he ran, the distinct tinkle of metal could be heard.

"Poor dear…I would have given him those spoons if he'd asked…" Mrs. Hoshigaki sighed.

Mrs. Hoshigaki hugged Itachi, who was last in line. He giggled feebly.

"A little incest a day keeps the girls coming my way…" Itachi mumbled.

"Of course it does," Kisame's mommy crooned, kissing Itachi on his cheek and leading him towards the van.

"Where's dad?" Kisame asked, closing the back of the van. Mrs. Hoshigaki smiled.

"He's in the bathroom…he'll be out in a moment…"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Mr. Hoshigaki sat on the john, still reading his newspaper. All was well, until the toilet made a very strange, gurgling noise.

"What the hell?"

The old shark man finished up his business and stood, pulling his pants up.

He flushed, and the toilet made that strange noise again.

And then it started cursing.

"Mother fucker! Another Jashin damned toilet….oh, I'll KILL that fucking mailbox for this!"

A head popped up out of the toilet, glared around, noticed the old shark and cackled.

"Oh my fucking Jashin…are you telling me I made it back home…in the future? What the fucking hell! Did I spend thirty years down that shitty tunnel, or what? Seriously!"

"I don't know how you got in my toilet, but you're going back the way you came in!" Mr. Hoshigaki howled, flushing the toilet again.

"Fuck you, Kisame! I don't care if you're an old man, I'll castrate you with my teeth!"

"I don't know how you know my name, but you're going down, you shit faced son of a bitch!"

"Ow! Mother fuck!" Hidan howled as Mr. Hoshigaki (Kisame Senior) started hitting him with the plunger.

The toilet seemed to have had enough, and spit Hidan right out.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"It's been half an hour, mom…just forget it," Kisame said rather sulkily. Mrs. Hoshigaki glared.

"Now don't cop an attitude! Your father's just got the runs, that's all!"

"Can we GO now? I'd like to hit the pawn shop before dinner…" Kakuzu called out the window.

Konan was scowling in her seat in the back with Tweedle Dum and Itachi Dee.

"Rabbit go down the hoooooooooole…" Itachi muttered.

"What hole?" Tobi demanded, eating a bag of cotton candy he'd found on the sidewalk.

Konan sighed and finished her origami earmuffs, and slipped them snugly over her head.

"Mom, I'm telling you, he's not coming. I'm going now."

Kisame started for the van, but he stopped when he heard the ill fated sound of his father bitching.

"God damn it, Kisame, if you had a job like your brother Alphie, this wouldn't have happened!"

"What?" Kisame asked, whirling to see his dad stomping out of the house, a rather muddy Hidan running just ahead of him, bitching just as loud.

"Fucking shit coming out of my damned ears! You stupid asses left us there with a possessed toilet! What the fuck!"

"Hidan?" Kisame asked slowly, totally confused.

Hidan got within smelling distance and Kisame had to hold his hand to his mouth.

"Eurgh, where WERE you? And how did you get in my parents' house?"

"I got eaten by the fucking toilet!"

"A…a toilet?"

"Did you not just hear what I fucking said? Seriously, dude, I got Hershey Squirt stuffed into my ears and I can STILL hear perfectly fine!"

"Ew…" Tobi called through the window.

Itachi pointed (in the wrong direction) and said "Ha ha!"

Kakuzu's left eye started twitching. He had a habit of doing that whenever the bitching priest was near.

Konan couldn't hear a damned thing, and was perfectly content that way.

"Oh, you poor thing! Let's get you cleaned up," Mrs. Hoshigaki said kindly.

"Ah, finally someone with a sense of decency!" Hidan shouted, smiling. But his smile faltered as Mrs. Hoshigaki made a hand seal, took a deep breath, and then sprayed a torrent of icy cold water all over Hidan.

It was December, so that was some mighty, frosty cold shit.

True, the water cleaned him off fairly well…but shit doesn't come clean easily by water alone…

"Hey, what the fuck lady? I thought you were cool!"

"Oh…how careless of me? Here you go!"

A bar of soap hit Hidan in the gut, and he doubled over, gasping. Another spray of water hit him, and though it was degrading and cold as fuck, Hidan grabbed the soap and lathered himself up.

When he was clean, Mrs. Hoshigaki gave him a final rinse, and wiped at him with her apron.

"Poor, poor dear! You smell much better now, though, isn't that nice? Have a cookie…"

Hidan took the cookie, but his teeth were chattering so bad he couldn't eat it, much less cuss her out.

With a rather awkward hand shake from his father, Kisame got in the van, Hidan in toe and headed off, back to the Akatsuki house.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Deidara woke up and coughed, spitting out another tooth he'd almost swallowed.

The blond sat up groggily, looking around.

The sink had hit him, he remembered that much. How or why, he didn't know.

There were white chiclets and splatters of ketchup all over the place, and Deidara's mouth was sore and pained.

Oh no…those weren't little square pieces of gum! They were…teeth….and oh my God! Un!

That isn't ketchup! It's blood!

After realizing that he had at least ten missing teeth as well as a mullet, Deidara passed out again…

And woke up a moment later.

He started to sob as he picked up his teeth and tried to put them back in his mouth, but it was no use.

With a heavy heart, Deidara put his teeth in his pocket and went upstairs, hoping Sasori wouldn't be too mad at him for blowing up the TV, because only Sasori could fix his teeth.

Dentistry and Puppet mastering sort of went together…

But when Deidara got to the bedroom, he found Sasori busted into so many pieces, he'd never be able to put himself back together again.

"Anna, un!" Deidara managed without teeth, dropping to his knees and picking up the biggest piece of Sasori's face he could find.

"You fucking blew me up!" his voice box cried from the bed.

"Un! I owy!" Deidara cried. He didn't think the explosion would have done so much damage…but then again…he'd never blown up a TV before.

Usually, when blown into pieces, Sasori could almost magically reconnect everything.

"I can't put myself back together…and I can't use my chakra strings either for some reason…there's only one man who can help me now…"

"Who, un?"

"Xzibit…"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

When Kisame and crew got back to the house, lugging in clean laundry, Pein waved to them from his bowl of Cheesy Poofs.

"Hey…wait…Hidan, weren't you in the bathroom?" Pein asked as he spotted a still soaking wet Hidan squelch into the house.

"Don't fucking start," Hidan snapped and squelched upstairs, not even bothering to take off his shoes.

Pein shrugged and went back to watching Super Troopers.

Deidara ran down the stairs past Hidan, carrying a hamper full of Sasori bits.

"What the hell happened to you two?" Konan asked, slipping off her paper earmuffs and letting them unfold and cling to her arm once more.

"Un! Un!" Deidara moaned, pointing once to himself, and once to Sasori.

"Let me guess," Konan said, exasperated, "you tried to commit suicide again, and Sasori tried to stop you…again?"

Deidara shook his head, but still, Sasori was in pieces, and Deidara looked so much like a redneck with missing teeth and a mullet that everyone (who was there in the head) started laughing.

After a moment, Tobi and Itachi started laughing too. Of course, they had no idea what was going on.

"Right…well, let's go see the ultimate Puppet Pimp…Xzibit…" Pein sighed, getting up from his couch.

He turned the TV off and grabbed his keys from Kisame.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

They arrived at the Pimp My Ride shop and a kick ass black dude came out and greeted them.

"Hey, Pein my man, how's the gang?"

"Fine…fine…we be…uh…chillin' and shit."

"Psh, fuck that! I got eaten by the fucking toilet!" Hidan howled. Xzibit burst into laughter.

"Damn, you crack me up every time, Hidawg!"

Hidawg, I mean, Hidan flicked Xzibit off.

"Fucking go to hell, you and your whole pimp ass crew!"

"You say somethin' 'bout my crew, dawg?" Xzibit said defensively, getting right in Hidan's face.

Hidan shut the fuck up, not wanting to get jumped by a bunch of mechanics.

"Dat's what I thought, bitch!"

"Anyway…we need you to put Sasori back together. Deidara blew him up again."

"Un!" Deidara said angrily, as if to say he didn't do it on purpose.

"Sure, man! Hey! Let's Pimp this puppet OUT!" Xzibit shouted, and his whole crew quickly got to work.

"Hey! I saw dat!" Xzibit yelled at Kakuzu, who was over by the display of custom rims. In his surprise, he dropped the chrome rim he'd been trying to slip inside his cloak.

"I was just polishing it for you!"

"Keep an eye on the old Taco," Xzibit mumbled to one of his guys, and he nodded and gave Kakuzu the evil eye.

"Daaaamn," Kakuzu muttered. He'd never had his own death glare used against him. It was actually pretty scary.

The….pimping puppet operation…was soon done, and Sasori walked over to his gang to show off his new features.

"Freshly polished oak wood, custom made glass eyes, hand picked red hair, Angelina Jolie's eyelashes…and Gene Simmons' tongue!" Sasori said proudly, wiggling the last at everyone.

"And check this bitch out, mothaas!" Xzibit said, pushing a button on Sasori's neck.

His chest opened up and inside was…

"Is that booze?" Kakuzu said. Indeed, the chest had been turned into a personal bar, complete with glasses and a blender.

"Can we make smoothies?" Tobi asked happily.

"No!" Sasori snapped.

"Oh you won't believe this shit!" Xzibit went on, pushing the button again to close the bar and then tugging on Sasori's ear.

His mouth opened wide and rap music started blaring.

Of course, it was Xzibit playing. He had to make sure to advertise on every episode of Pimp My Ride, after all.

"Wow! Sasori-san, you're a party puppet!" Tobi cried, hopping up and down.

Sasori didn't argue with that.

"Ooh, what does THIS button do?" Tobi asked and flicked a small switch where a normal person's nipple would be.

Sasori's eyes went huge as something long and hard sprung up in his pants.

"Daaaamn!" Xzibit said.

"We didn't install that shit!"

Deidara blushed for some reason and hid behind Kisame.

"Hey, don't poke me!" Kisame said to the little toothless blond.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

When everyone got back home, Zetsu was half melted into the bushes by the porch, a letter clamped in his teeth.

"What's that?" Pein asked.

Zetsu spit the letter out into Pein's hand.

"Kimimaro, dressed as the mailman, came by with this. I think it's a note from Orochimaru. About the party."

"Oh yeah…that's in a few days, isn't it?" Konan asked.

"Hey, your fly trap grew back," Kisame said, pointing to the freshly regrown top of Zetsu's trap.

"Miracle grow," Zetsu replied calmly.

"Un?" Deidara muttered.

"Un. I mean, yeah," Zetsu answered, looking at Deidara's horrible haircut.

"_I could give you some, if you want,"_ Zetsu said.

"**No, he blew up the garden once…"**

"_But it hurts to look at him! I can't stand it any longer…"_

"**I guess you're right. Even the dike looks better right now…"**

"Okay, you two!" Konan said warningly. Zetsu shut up.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sasori fixed Deidara's teeth the best he could, and when the blond could properly talk again, he got a miracle grow shampoo in the kitchen.

It had taken quite some time to convince Deidara that the sink wasn't going to attack him again, but eventually he agreed after Itachi made Kisame stick his hand down the drain.

Before everyone's very eyes, Deidara's golden locks grew back to their proper length.

"My beautiful, buttery hair! Un!"

Deidara pulled his hair over his shoulder and petted it, weeping.

"You look a hell of a lot better," Kisame said. Itachi glared at the shark, and he quit looking at the little blond.

Jealous, Itachi? Surely not.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

**End chapter 8! Woo! Next chapter: getting to the party! Finally, Jashin damn it! What did that note from Oro say, anyway? **


	9. Wait For It!

**Chapter 9: Wait for It...! **

**Summary: It's nearly party time. It takes FOREVER to get ready...and then they have to drive there! And then...they have to get in! Oh, the anticipation! Do you hate me for taking so fucking long? I hope not. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else. **

**A/N: Time Skip! It's now New Year's Eve! (I don't even remember what day I was on in the last chapter….Dec 28th, maybe?) **

**Okay, the beginning of this chapter is inspired by that really funny Nextel commercial with these morons in an office dancing to a song by Salt and Pepa, I believe. You might be able to better appreciate this if you go look at the commercial on Youtube: the line of lyrics I supplied isn't correct, oh well. That's what it sounded like to me. **

**[EDIT: Shit, I made a VERY big mistake, thanks for catching it, reiyukichan! I fixed it!**

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Ooh, baby baby! Bah baby baby!"

Deidara, Tobi, Kisame and Itachi were dancing to "Push It" by Salt and Pepa, which was blaring out of Sasori's mouth.

Konan burst into the Artists' room, face covered in green goo and hair twisted up into a towel.

"Keep the fucking noise down, assholes! I can't hear myself think!"

Sasori tugged on his ear, and the music (and dancing) stopped.

"What the hell did you put on your face, un? Zetsu's sperm?" Deidara asked. Kisame burst into laughter. Itachi, back to his old self for the most part, gave Konan a disapproving look.

Tobi skipped gaily over to Konan and slid a finger in the goop. He licked his finger (by sticking it under his mask) and said "Mmmmm!"

"Ew, get off me, basketball head!" Konan screeched, giving Tobi a paper cut bitch slap. Tobi seemed unaffected (his mask took most of the damage) and giggled.

"You taste like guacamole!"

"Wow…I didn't even know you could _pronounce_ such a long word," Kisame snorted.

"Does it REALLY, un?" Deidara asked, grabbing a bag of Tostitos from his underwear drawer and rushing over to Konan to dip a chip in her face mask.

Konan slapped him away.

"Quit it, all of you! Fucking freaks…" Konan muttered, shuffling back out.

As soon as she closed the door, the song (and the dancing) started up again as if nothing had happened.

Itachi resumed doing the moonwalk while Tobi did the Macarena.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Pein had decided to bring all of his bodies, just in case Orochimaru really was planning to ambush the Akatsuki, and so, he was given the arduous chore of dressing all of them.

But since Pein was usually rather useless when it came to even dressing _himself_, he started whining for Konan.

"Koooooonaaaaan!" He cried, and Konan gave the ceiling the finger before yanking on the latch above her and pulling down the steps to the attic.

"Damn it, Pein!" she seethed as she climbed the ladder, "We're supposed to leave in one hour and I'm not even dressed, and I have to deal with YOU? All fucking SIX of you?"

"But Konan, this is the hippest party in the ninja world! Everyone's going to be there! I have to make a good impression if I ever hope to get this organization on the map!"

"Right…well having everyone wear their Akatsuki cloaks should be impressive enough, shouldn't it?"

"But we still wear clothes under our cloaks! And I don't want to wear the same thing as everybody else!" Pein pouted, sticking out his lower lip.

"Er…how about some different piercings? Sparkly ones?"

"Sparkly?" six Peins asked curiously.

"Oh, God…" Konan sighed. This was going to be the hardest mission she's ever taken on…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"How about this one? It matches your freaky pink eyes," Kakuzu growled, holding up a rather lacy pink shirt with a paisley print.

Hidan pulled a face.

"I wouldn't be caught dead in that ugly thing! What the fuck is wrong with you? _Tobi_ has better fashion sense!"

"God damn it Hidan, you are NOT going to go to the party topless!" Kakuzu snarled, plucking another unused shirt from the closet.

"Oh FUCK no, Kakuzu, I'm definitely not wearing that one!"

Kakuzu threw it at Hidan's head, and the priest ripped the shirt in two.

"Are you just trying to get me to wear a shirt so no one else can see my sexy body, or what?"

Kakuzu paused, glaring at the shirt he'd just selected.

"No, you arrogant ass. I'm just saying…for the purpose of decency…and…respect…"

Hidan snorted.

"You just can't stand the thought of anyone else looking at me…you _dirty_ old man…"

There was a dark, taunting sort of purr to Hidan's voice as he said the last, and Kakuzu turned to look at Hidan.

He was clad in just his boxers, as they'd been arguing over what they should wear for the past ten minutes, and boxers had been the only thing they both agreed on so far.

"We only have an hour left until we have to leave, Kakuzu."

"Yeah," Kakuzu grunted, suddenly feeling very hot in the face, as if he'd just been blasted head on with one of Itachi's fireballs.

"I'll wear that one you're holding up if you keep your mask off."

"But I don't go out without my mask, you know that…"

"And YOU know that wearing a shirt is against my religion."

Kakuzu snorted.

"I think you made that rule up. I've read the entire Jashin Bible, and I can't find anything in there that says 'thou shalt not wear shirts.'"

"The Catholics have a whole bunch of crazy shit not in the Christian Bible, but do you mock them?"

Hidan got up from the bed and yanked at the blue, gauzy shirt Kakuzu had in his hands, and gritted his teeth when Kakuzu refused to let go of it.

"Fucking give it to me, bastard!"

"Magic word, please."

"Fuck you!"

"Close enough," Kakuzu grunted and pushed Hidan up against the wall.

He flung the shirt onto the bed, and with both hands free, he slid them down to squeeze Hidan's ass, since he'd seemed to like it so much last time.

Right on cue, Hidan gasped and sought Kakuzu's mouth, his own hands slipping into Kakuzu's hair.

When Kakuzu started slipping his rather tentacly tongue into Hidan's mouth, Hidan broke away.

"That shit freaks me out!"

"Once you're used to it, it's rather nice," Kakuzu insisted, tickling his tongue down Hidan's neck instead.

The priest closed his eyes and cocked his head to the side, now tracing his fingers along the stitching in Kakuzu's back. With only one heart left, there were no masks on the outside to impede Hidan's hands from the freedom to explore.

Kakuzu bit gently at Hidan's collar bone before moving back up. This time, when he met Hidan's lips and feathered his tongue in, Hidan didn't pull away.

He stayed very still at first while Kakuzu's tongue felt around, tickling at the top of his mouth, his palate…encircling Hidan's tongue.

Unfortunately the tentacles went too far in and Hidan retched.

Kakuzu pulled away.

"Sorry…"

"Oh my Jashin, fuck me now!" Hidan moaned, forcing his mouth on Kakuzu's and thrusting his tongue in.

Kakuzu smiled and responded, kneading Hidan's tight ass and pressing their rather hard groins together.

"Oh, Kuzu!" Hidan gasped loudly, breaking away from the kiss and wrapping one of his legs around Kakuzu's hips.

Kakuzu started rocking into Hidan while still clothed, finding the priest's lips again. One of his hands stayed on Hidan's ass while the other fluttered up to caress his face, his thumb wiping at a tear that had leaked out of Hidan's eye.

"Hey, are you guys ready yet? We're leaving in less than an hour!" came Konan's bitchy voice from the door.

Both men opened their eyes and looked over at the door when it opened.

Konan and Tobi were standing there, gawking at the two, who were both in just their boxers.

"Oh my God, don't move, let me get my camera!" Konan cried, rifling through her bulky purse.

By the time she got it out, the two men were on opposite sides of the room, slipping on clothes.

"Damn it!"

"Were grandpa Kuzu and aunt Hidan dancing?" Tobi asked innocently, cocking his head like a child.

Konan shook her head and stalked away.

"Yeah…and I missed it…"

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Oddly enough (unfortunately to you Saso/Dei fans XD), there wasn't anything remotely sexual going on in the Artists' room. Deidara had argued about what to wear, for sure, but it seemed that he was more concerned about his hair.

Sasori had lost the argument about wearing Hiruko to the party, and was buttoning up a silky copper shirt that Deidara had picked out. He didn't really care himself about fashion, but he'd wanted something with buttons just in case…er…he decided to show off his new pimped out features to everybody else.

Konan banged on their door too, telling them to move their asses.

When Konan got to Hell's door, she knocked lightly.

"Just letting you two know that we only have about 45 minutes until we have to leave, alright?"

"Yeah," Kisame called to her.

"Well, Itachi?" Kisame asked the Uchiha.

Itachi was still dressed in his usual garb, refusing to 'spruce up' for any occasion other than his brother's funeral.

"You still look ridiculous," Itachi sighed.

Kisame pouted and took his shirt off nad threw it in the rather large pile of rejects.

"Ah…that's better," Itachi said, nodding to Kisame.

"But…but I'm not wearing a shirt at all!"

"You look best that way. And keep your arm warmers on, they go so well with your eyes."

Kisame blushed and did as he was told. A wordy compliment from Itachi was rare indeed.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Finally, everyone was ready to go. Because of all the Peins, they were taking both the van and the Buick.

When everyone had piled into the vehicles and rode off, the neighborhood residents crept out of their houses and demolished the Akatsuki house, throwing eggs at the siding and hurling toilet paper at the dead tree out front. Five neighbors made their dogs defecate in the Akatsuki's front lawn while the neighborhood bum, Mr. Handy J, shit in Zetsu's giant terra cotta pot.

The creepy old man with a fetish for dogs stole Akamaru, whom Tobi had forgotten on the front porch.

Somehow, Akamaru was later rescued by the FBI and placed in doggy foster care.

The sexually abused puppy would then later be given to the Inuzuka family's neglected son, Kiba.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"No, it's a left, you fucking douche bag!"

"Hidan, you're an idiot."

"What the fuck did you call me?"

"The map is upside down, moron!"

"Shit! Why am I reading this thing, anyway?"

"Because you got shot gun, you fuck tard!" Konan screeched from the back seat.

"Why is this blue bitch in the car? Shouldn't you be in the van with all your boy toys?" Hidan asked the kunoichi in the back.

"Because I can't stand dealing with six of him at once!"

"And another thing, you fucking senile old alcoholic bastard! Why are YOU driving? You have a suspended license!" Hidan went on, flicking Kakuzu off.

"Because I CAN drive. Now is it a left or a right?"

"Fuck! Left, left, left!" Hidan shouted, pointing and causing Kakuzu, who almost passed the turn up, to cut off traffic in order to make it.

"God damn it, Hidan! You're the worst map reader I've ever seen!"

"And you're the worst fucking driver in human history! You cut that redneck off and he's got road rage written all over his ugly ass face!"

"Let him rage. I'll show him…I INVENTED road rage."

"Oh my fucking Jashin, you say you invented EVERYTHING!"

"I'm older than your god, you know that? So shut the hell up…and give me directions in a _timely_ fashion, okay?"

"Yeah…whatever, you ungrateful fuck."

"Next time, I'm taking the bus," Konan muttered, crossing her arms and looking out the window.

She was grateful that she was sitting next to Sasori. He didn't poke randomly or ask stupid questions.

Deidara was snoozing next to Sasori, his face plastered to the window.

Tobi was up front with the map on his lap, as he was in the middle thing that was an armrest/ child seat.

He had been blessedly silent the whole car ride. Probably because Zetsu had forced peanut butter on the roof of Tobi's mouth, and the poor bastard had spent the last half an hour trying to lick it all off.

Speaking of the overgrown weed, Zetsu was in the van tailing behind them, shut up tight in his fly trap.

Kisame was driving the van, and Itachi was in the passenger seat, glaring at the crack in the windshield.

In his own corrupted mind, the pattern of rain spots on the glass formed a picture of Sasuke's face, and it was only a matter of time before Itachi would go Mangekyou Sharingan on the windshield's ass.

Hopefully they would get to the party before that had to happen.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Back in the car, Konan was rereading the note from Orochimaru again.

"There is a blanket ban on fighting, and prior to entering the party, you MUST sign the temporary peace treaty posted at the door. The treaty expires after the last stroke of midnight, so be ready to haul ass out of here if Sarutobi-sensei goes after your blood.

yours truly, Orochimaru and his crew"

Konan sighed, hoping they'd brought enough weapons. The trunk of the car was overfilled with them (and Kisame's Samehada took up a hell of a lot of room), as well as spare puppets and a five gallon bucket of Sasori's House Poison.

Always be sure to bring your bucket of poison. You never know when you just might need it.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

After getting within five miles of their desired location, there were gigantic lighted signs with arrows pointing which way to go, as well as a hell of a lot of traffic, so it was rather easy here on out to find their place.

Parking was another story.

Every time some guy tried to wave Kakuzu into a parking section, he read the price posted out front and looked away as if he were about to be sick and kept inching forward.

Finally, Hidan pulled out some cash and made Kakuzu park for ten bucks.

"Why do we have to pay for parking? It's sacrilege!" Kakuzu moaned painfully, getting out of the car.

"Because that fucking overgrown snake is as greedy as you," Hidan answered.

"NO ONE is as greedy as me. I INVE—"

"Yeah yeah yeah! We fucking get it already! You invented greed! Fuck, man! Seriously, you're fucking getting on my nerves about that shit!"

"Only someone like you can use 'fuck' in nearly every sentence and make it sound natural," Kakuzu sighed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

He didn't feel comfortable without his mask on. Not at all. And it was fucking cold out here!

All of the Akatsuki crowded together and then walked down the street to wait in line.

The Akatsuki didn't normally deal with such mundane things as lines, but in this case, they behaved.

Probably because everyone else in line were ninjas too, some of them notably fierce ones.

Kisame spotted Zabuza with his little bitch and went over to talk to him, Itachi holding his spot.

After a surprisingly short wait (I want to get on to the fucking party already!) Pein got to the head of the line. Kabuto was waiting besides the door, standing at a podium with a scroll and an ink bottle and brush set upon it.

"Sign the peace treaty and leave any weapons on your person at the door, please," Kabuto said.

Most of the Akatsuki had no problems, until it came to Tobi.

"Er…I can't read or write," Tobi said apologetically to Kabuto.

"That's alright. Just mark an X, and you should be fine."

"What's an X?"

Kabuto's eyebrows flew into his headband.

"Here, Tobi, my fucking Jashin," Hidan said, going up to the moron and forcing a brush into his hand.

"Dip that little dick into the fucking ink and I'll do the rest."

"Okay, grandma Hidan!"

"Don't fucking call me grandma, you creepy bastard!"

Hidan grabbed Tobi's hand after he'd dipped the brush in ink, and moved it to make a slash, then another slash, resulting in a very large X that covered up half the lines.

"There. Have a nice fucking day, four eyes."

Tobi skipped into the door, and Hidan quickly signed his name.

Next was Kakuzu, and then there was another problem. Zetsu.

The plant man sort of glared at the paper, arguing with himself.

"**Just use the vines, dumb ass!"**

"_I don't want to reveal those to anyone yet!"_

"**We'll never get in the party then! And I heard that Marge is supposed to be here!"**

"The Banana tree/ pinwheel cookie hybrid?"

"**YES! Now come on…"**

Zetsu slid a vine out of his fly trap and signed his name as fast as he could, running off to the door.

"Interesting…" Kabuto, Orochimaru's bitch, said with a smirk, his stupid round eyeglasses flashing evilly.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

**A/N2: I know, I know! Get to the fucking party….gr! Lots of lemons at the party! XD If you don't like yaoi lemony goodness, please GO AWAY! I promise faggot free crack in another story! I have so many ideas I'll NEVER stop writing! I've been writing ALL FUCKING DAY and I won't stop until I'm done with this story already! GROWLIES!**


	10. Countdown to a Yaoi New Year!

**Chapter 10: Countdown to a (Yaoi) New Year!**

**Summary: The partay is on! Featuring the secret of Kimimaro's hair parting, DJ Kakashi, ****Dancing Akatsuki, an Epic Cursing Battle, WAY too many tongues and drunken sex! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else.**

**WARNING: More YAOI than you can shake Itachi's stick at! Kaku/Hidan, Saso/Dei, Ita/Kisa. All the explicit yaoi scenes will be separated with an 's' line like this: ssssssssssssss **

**Look, you can pronounce that line! Say it with me now: "Sssssssssssssss"**

**The thing about the lemon slice was Ren Ren's idea. So is the verb form of Yaoi! **

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Daaaamn, check that shit out, un!" Deidara said as he entered the massive hall of the castle. There were scantily clad models (guys and girls) dancing in cages suspended from the ceiling, enough strobe light action to send Hidan into a permanent seizure, and plenty of food to keep Zetsu fat and happy for the next century.

Ninja and kunoichi in a bizarre mix of nin and civilian attire were scattered about the floor, many of them dancing in time to DJ Kakashi's jams, others knocking back drinks at the bar.

Jiraiya was bartending, spending most of his time chatting up sloshed girls that clearly wanted nothing to do with him.

As expected, as soon as Hidan's eyes came into full contact with the strobe lights, he went into a fit.

"Damn it, Hidan!" Kakuzu growled, grabbing Hidan by the hair and dragging him off to a bathroom.

Itachi tugged at Kakuzu's sleeve.

"Here, these might help," Itachi said tonelessly, handing Kakuzu the pair of designer sunglasses Kisame had given him for Christmas.

"Er…thanks," Kakuzu said, putting them on Hidan's face.

The convulsions actually ceased, and by the time Kakuzu got into the men's room, Hidan was awake and aware. Somewhat.

"Hn…the fuck?"

"Strobe lights," Kakuzu answered. Hidan nodded.

Kakuzu wiped the drool off of Hidan's chin with a paper towel and Hidan swung his fist at him.

"Don't touch me with those sand paper rags! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Kakuzu sighed heavily and started to walk away. Hidan grabbed him back.

"I'd rather keep the drool there…so you can lick it off for me…"

"Sorry, Hidan…I'm not in the God damn mood," Kakuzu growled and stalked off.

Hidan stood there, looking very, very yaoi-licious in his see through shirt, snug pants and designer sunglasses. His slicked back hair and cocky demeanor only made him more so.

"After a few drinks, he'll be ALL over me," Hidan said to himself with a smirk, starting to walk towards the door.

"Wait! I'll lick you _real_ good!" someone said from a nearby stall. Hidan froze and turned around to see a creepy old man with a hunch back emerge, shuffling forward. His entire face was bandaged, only revealing one eye.

"I can lick you really, really good!" the old man said again.

"Dosu?" another voice asked from another stall.

Another guy came out, this one much younger looking.

"Go on ahead of me, Zaku…be a good boy now…"

Zaku gave Dosu and Hidan a curious look before walking away.

"Look, old man, I ain't interested. So fuck off. I got enough old men after me, thanks."

Dosu shimmied up real close to Hidan and slapped him on the ass.

"Damn it, old coot, didn't you fucking hear what I said! I don't want to fuck you!"

And Hidan ran out of the bathroom, convinced that all old ninjas were fucking queer as hell.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

All six Peins, with one very pissed Konan trailing behind, wandered off to another level of the castle, where there was an enormous stage studded with golden poles.

There were girls and guys dancing around them, painted rainbow colors by the pulsating lights overhead.

Even if you were straight as an arrow, you'd be gawking at the pretty boys. Orochimaru had an eye for pretty boys.

"This is some party, isn't it?" Leader Pein said. His other bodies nodded approvingly.

"I'm going to the bar to get a drink…" Konan said and headed for the booze. On this level, Tsunade was bar tending. She was so drunk she was hitting on Jiroubou, and that guy was definitely NOT sexy at all. Not because of his girth but his ugly ass hairdo.

Even Dei's mullet had looked better.

The same music from below seemed to be carried up to the other levels via speakers, and the pole dancers kept up a constant pace.

Four Peins got close to the stage and started stuffing money in g strings of the dancers as they jirated his way.

It didn't seem to matter to Pein which gender it was, either. Pein is an equal opportunity sort of guy.

It figures that the only man who has no problem hiring a giant plant, a suicide bomber, Frankenstein's older cousin, a priest, a living puppet, a weird guy who super glued his mask on, and a woman made out of paper would be bisexual.

"Lady, for the last time! I don't LIKE boobies. They're gross," Jiroubou was growling from the bar.

Tsunade was really trying hard to impress Jiroubou with her massive chest, but the poor guy wanted nothing to do with her.

Konan sent a paper kunai after Tsunade, and the old woman backed off.

"No weapons at the party, little girl," Tsunade slurred, crumbling the paper in her fist.

"Then you'll have to throw everyone who's a ninja out. We're all weapons, you old bitch. Now get me a drink before I kill everyone with the name of Pein."

"Boyfriend trouble?" Tsunade drawled, pouring Konan a shot of whiskey. Konan downed it and laughed.

"Ha! It would be fine if it was just ONE of him...but there's six…SIX! And every single one of them acts like a child! I feel more like his MOTHER than his GIRLFRIEND! And I think that he's cheating on me…"

Tsunade's eyebrows arched upwards.

"Really? Do you know who it is?"

"Yeah…" Konan said as Tsunade poured her another shot. Konan downed that one too, wiped off her mouth, and laughed again.

"He creeps off into the attic and screws himself…"

Iruka, who'd been a few stools over, spit out his bloody Mary.

"Isn't that just masturbation, Rinnegan style?" Tsunade asked, taking a swig out of a large bottle of sake.

"It doesn't seem like it…."

"Well, I don't understand why you don't just sneak up there one day while he's going at it…and join in…"

Konan choked on her third drink.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Come ON, Danna! Let's dance, UUUUUUN!"

"Go dance with Hidan."

"Ew, no, un! I want to dance with _you_! _Please, un_?"

Sasori was at the bar, sipping at a Pledge cocktail. He nibbled at the lemon slice perched on the edge of his glass, more out of habit then anything else, and then sloshed some of his drink on himself as Deidara grabbed the lemon slice and put it in his mouth.

"Hey!" Sasori said, setting down his drink and trying to grab the lemon away.

"Uh uh, un! You'll have to try harder than that, Danna, un!"

Deidara ran off into the sea of people on the dance floor and started to shake his hips.

Sasori reached Deidara and swiped at the lemon in Deidara's mouth, but the blond turned away and started shaking his ass at the puppet, giggling.

Sasori had the major impulse to slap that ass, but he refrained from doing so. It wouldn't really punish the blond anyway. If anything, it'd make him even more impossible to deal with.

But he probably should have, because when Deidara turned around, Sasori grabbed the lemon in Deidara's mouth with his teeth.

Deidara's lips curved into a playful smirk and he let go of the lemon for a moment, only to clamp down on it again, taking more of it into his mouth and brushing his lips against Sasori's.

"Un…" Deidara growled out, his eyes watering from the sour fruit that was resting on his tongue.

He was still dancing in time to the beat of the music, and in order to keep their lips together, Sasori started to dance too.

Before either of them knew it, the crowd was edging away, giving them room.

Sasori stopped and spit the lemon out. He didn't like being the center of attention. Deidara grabbed Sasori, not caring in the slightest, and started dancing dirty, strutting his little ass, grinding into Sasori.

"Stop it!" Sasori hissed, pushing Deidara away.

"Oh, come ON, Danna, un! You're so boring, un."

"NO."

"Fine…I'll get some more people to dance…OY! Tobi, Itachi, un!"

Tobi, Zetsu, Kisame and Itachi broke free of the crowd, looked at each other, and Itachi shrugged.

Then as one, they started to do a synchronized dance, twirling and jerking their hips at the same time.

"See, now everybody's doing it! Leader'll be happy, it'll be good for the Akatsuki! Now shake that wooden ass, un!"

The Akatsuki danced for the crowd, who were cheering and roaring with laughter at once.

After all, as good as dancers as they were, the Akatsuki were still freaky as hell to look at.

Then the Akatsuki went free style.

Kisame started break dancing, spinning on his back while Itachi did the robot.

Tobi did…God knows what, while Zetsu did some kind of ghetto river dancing. He was a natural at river dance, considering that he has no arms.

Deidara just shook his booty at Sasori, who finally gave in and slapped him on the ass.

"Ouch, Danna, un!"

Sasori grinned and did it again.

"Smack that bitch up!" someone yelled, and DJ Kakashi, thinking it was a request, changed the song abruptly to "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"See, nearly everyone else is dancing! You fucking square!"

"Hidan, I don't really like parties. And I sure as hell don't like dancing. They all look like they're fucking with their clothes on. It's like…one big techno orgy, and I don't like it."

Hidan pouted.

"Fine. Be a pansy then."

Hidan turned and started to stalk away, accidentally bumping into Tayuya and making her spill her drink all over herself. She grabbed Hidan by the arm and glared up at his face.

"What the fuck's your problem, chibi?" Hidan asked rudely. Tayuya narrowed her eyes and flicked Hidan off.

"You spilled my drink, shit head."

"Oh yeah? Well clean it up then, bitch! You're low enough to the floor already that it shouldn't throw your back out! Now fuck off!"

"I don't think you get it, faggot ass!" Tayuya snapped, poking Hidan hard in the chest.

"Who you calling a fag, you ugly little carpet munching, cherry popping dike!"

"Oh hell no, you did NOT just call me a dike, you fudge packing, fashion sensible, fairy ass piece of dog shit!"

"Fuck you and the cunt you crawled out of!"

"Go to fucking hell, you piss stained, ass licking, cock sucking queen!"

"If you don't fuck off, I'm going to break a glass over your head and gouge your eyes out with the broken pieces!"

"Just try it, you fucking queer!"

"Alright, you two. Stop it," Kakuzu growled pulling the two, who had been yelling into each other's faces, apart.

"Hidan, apologize."

"What? Fuck you, Kakuzu!"

"Apologize, or else."

"OR else what? You'll rape him? I think he'd like that, actually," Tayuya said with a grin.

"Apologize NOW! Or I'll take up Tayuya's suggestion."

Hidan blinked, turning red. Then he smiled.

"NO."

"No?"

"FUCK NO. I am not apologizing to this chibi little bitch."

"Then you leave me no choice…"

Kakuzu yanked off Hidan's sunglasses, and the lights immediately sent Hidan into another seizure.

"Have fun," Tayuya grinned as she went back to the bar to get another drink.

Kakuzu grinned back and threw Hidan over his shoulder. He didn't know why it was so much fun to carry the man around like a sack of potatoes, but it was.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Sasori…it's wonderful to see you out of that ugly shell," Orochimaru rasped in his creepy old scratchy pedophile voice. (Yes, pedophiles have a certain sound, you know they do. Well…maybe it's better that you DON'T know that.)

"Orochimaru," Sasori said darkly, nodding.

Orochimaru slipped his impossibly long Gene Simmons tongue from hell out of his mouth and bent down to give Sasori a wet kiss.

Sasori jerked away.

"As aloof as ever, I see. Except for your little blond, it seems."

Sasori's eyes narrowed.

"Deidara is my partner. Not my 'little blond.'"

"Ooh, I wasn't making fun…he's rather pretty, you know…he'd make a wonderful addition to my collection…"

"I'm not a piece of art to be put in any kind of collection, un!" Deidara said, face set.

"I'm a ticking bomb, and if you try anything, I'll fuck your shit up, un!"

"Ooh…feisty, too," Orochimaru crooned, tugging at Deidara's long bangs.

Deidara grabbed Orochimaru's hand and his palm bit Orochimaru hard enough to draw blood.

"Ouch!" the old snake man yelped, pulling his hand away. He slid his long tongue out and licked at the blood, grinning.

Deidara blew three raspberries at Sir Snake just as Kimimaro walked up. He eyed the missing Rock nin and sighed.

"Keep your tongues to yourself, blondie."

"I'll shove clay down your throat and blow your eyes right out your damned head, un!"

"Now now, boys, play nice…"

"Orochimaru-sama, you called for me?" Kimimaro said to his master. Orochimaru patted the pale boy on the head.

"Yes, I did. Stand still, now."

Kimimaro did as he was told, smiling cheekily at Deidara and Sasori, who glared stonily back.

Sasori had an idea of what as going to happen…

Orochimaru traced the tip of his finger down the zig zag parting in Kimimaro's hair, and Deidara gasped as the boy's head split along that line, opening up rather like Zetsu's fly trap.

Inside, instead of a brain, was a glass bowl. Inside the bowl was a bunch of pills in various shapes, colors and sizes.

"What the hell is that, Danna, un?"

"It's…it's Orochimaru's secret stash of date rape drugs!" Sasori answered in awe.

"I heard about that, un! Oh my God, I don't want to be raped by a snake, un!" Deidara yelped, and ran off before Orochimaru could offer the pretty blond some of his 'candy.'

"Care for a little fun in a capsule?" Orochimaru said softly, scooping out a handful of pills and offering them to Sasori.

"Orochimaru, for the last time, I'm a puppet, and so, pills have no effect on me."

"These yellow ones are filled with Pledge," Orochimaru offered, grinning.

Sasori blinked, then ran off after Deidara. There was a reason why he'd hid in Hiruko so often while Orochimaru was his partner in the Akatsuki…and this was only PART of it…

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

"Hn…what the fuck now?" Hidan asked, waking up to find that he was lying naked in a bed with his limbs tied to each bed post.

"Punishment."

"Huh? What the fuck for?"

Kakuzu, who was drinking beer at the edge of the bed, shrugged.

"I honestly don't remember."

"Fucking senile old fuck! Let me go!"

"I don't think you want me to."

"YES, I do! I…oh, fuck! Damn it, Kakuzu, what'd you do to me while I was out? Suck me off?"

Hidan looked down at his crotch to see his cock standing at full attention.

Kakuzu looked at the dick too with a sheepish smile on his face.

"Actually…you were in and out of it…sometimes you were moaning, so I figured it was alright with you…"

"This isn't the way I wanted it to be, you cruel old fuck!"

Kakuzu reached over and squeezed Hidan, and he gasped and threw his head back.

"Fucking bastard…"

"And how did _you_ want it? Standing up in a dirty public bathroom while those weird Sound nin watched? I've never liked having an audience…When I found out that sick old snake was renting out rooms for the night, I paid for one. Okay?"

"You…_paid_…for a private room…for _us_?"

"_Yes_. Now shut the hell up so I can kiss you."

Kakuzu set his beer down on the floor and crawled over Hidan, leaning in for a kiss. It was gentle at first, and then Hidan, frustrated with his restraints, plunged his tongue into the older man's mouth, running the muscle across the strange but pleasing cords that made up Kakuzu's own tongue.

Like before Kakuzu's threads slid deep down Hidan's throat, but this time Hidan managed not to choke.

Hidan started to moan. Kakuzu slid his hand along Hidan's length, his thumb swiping precum from the tip of the head.

The priest gasped, straining at his bonds again. All he could really do was flex his fingers and toes, and it aggravated him.

The fact that it turned him on pissed him off even more.

When Kakuzu pulled his mouth away to breathe, Hidan cursed into his face.

"Can't you go any faster? You're fucking with me on purpose!"

"I'm fucking with you…but I'm also going to fuck you…so shut up…your bitching breaks my concentration…"

"You don't need to concentrate! Just let your cock do the thinking, jack ass!" Hidan seethed, struggling again. Kakuzu got up off of Hidan, loving the way his muscles tensed when he strained on his bonds.

"I could spend an eternity just looking at you. You know that?"

"Yeah, well what the hell do I get to see? Shut the fuck up already and _strip_!"

Kakuzu chuckled and pulled his shirt off. He made a slower go at his pants, smirking as Hidan followed those pants down, down to the floor. The boxers went last, and Hidan kept his eyes on the prize, so to speak.

"Kuzu…hurry!" Hidan moaned.

Kakuzu sat in between Hidan's wide spread legs and grabbed a small bottle of personal lubricant and squeezed a liberal amount into his hand.

"What the fuck now?!"

"You said I should try to be more 'gentle' with you. I suppose that could be my New Year's resolution. To be gentle. If you have a problem with it, I can fuck you dry, but it'll be better for BOTH of us if I do things properly."

"Kakuzu?"

"…yeah, Hidan?"

"Are you really Orochimaru in disguise? Because I'm fucking creeped out right now."

Kakuzu sighed heavily and coated his throbbing erection with the lube. He slid his slick fingers around Hidan's entrance, poking his middle finger into it.

Hidan hissed and rolled his hips forward a little in response.

"If I was Orochimaru…I would have stuck my tongue up there…which…I seriously thought about doing, but if that creeps you out, I'll stick with the usual…"

Kakuzu pulled out his fingers and gripped Hidan's thighs, loosening the bonds (they were the old man's threads, his preferred choice of binding material) and allowing an easier angle for…penetration, yeah.

Kakuzu pushed his cock into Hidan slowly, slipping all the way out and then back in again.

The feeling of the head of Kakuzu's cock pushing in and out drove Hidan right out of his fucking mind. He started gasping random curse words.

"Fucking shit ass cock hole bastard…oh…Fuckuzu…"

"Fuckuzu? Did you just give me a swear word for a pet name?" Kakuzu growled at Hidan. But the man was somewhere in Yaoi La La land, licking his lips and continuing to moan and sputter out words.

Kakuzu started thrusting faster, altering the angle every few thrusts, searching for Hidan's sweet spot.

Hidan tensed and screamed "KUUUUZUUUU!"

"There we are," Kakuzu grunted and pumped himself in the same exact spot over and over again, thrusting harder and harder until Kakuzu was sweating from effort.

Sweat streaked down his back, dribbling in between the stitching holding his skin together (authoress squeals like a fangirl, drooling over her favorite part of Kuzu's body, his yummy back), the muscles in his butt tensing and straining as he drove Hidan crazy.

Kakuzu leaned down to lick at Hidan's lips, and Hidan opened his pink eyes, which were wet from unshed tears, and kissed him back, now gasping and moaning into Kakuzu's mouth.

When the old man started to stroke Hidan's length, Hidan lost it and came all over Kakuzu's chest.

The stitched man came a moment later, collapsing on top of Hidan.

"Ah…Hidan…I fuck you…" Kakuzu gasped in between breaths.

Hidan kissed Kakuzu gently on the lips.

"I fuck you too, asshole."

Kakuzu smiled and then passed out.

"Hey, untie me first, old fuck! Son of a bitch!"

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

(Now for the Saso/Dei XD)

Deidara and Sasori ended up running to one of the balconies overlooking a shimmering lake.

The artists sat down on a bench and gazed out at the starry sky, the blaring music and loud voices reduced to a dull throbbing hum in the cold December air.

"That snake guy is SO creepy, un! And you had to be his partner! It must have been horrible for you…how come you never talk about it?"

"Deidara…I really don't want to dwell on the past right now. I'd…rather just think of good things. With you."

"Danna?"

"Deidara…I'm glad your hair is back to normal. It's the most beautiful work of art I've ever seen…I just wish it could last forever…"

"Nothing good lasts, Danna, un! One day I'll blow myself up, and I'll be smiling when I do it."

"I wish I had your kind of courage, Dei-kun."

Deidara snorted.

"I'm not courageous at all…un."

The blond leaned in, licked his lips, and kissed Sasori lightly.

"I love you Danna, un."

Sasori brushed Deidara's bangs out of his face and kissed him back.

"I love you too, Dei-kun."

The puppet slid his hands under Deidara's silk shirt and ran his fingers lightly over the smooth skin, tweaking teasingly at his nipples.

Deidara giggled and shuddered.

"Are you cold, Deidara?" Sasori asked, kissing down his neck.

"Not anymore, un," came the reply.

Sasori moved away from Deidara's neck and pulled the blond's shirt off, moving back in to lick at his shoulder, his collar bone, then flicking his tongue over one nipple while pinching at the other.

Deidara's hands slid down Sasori's face, licking and nipping at his ears.

Those strange hands slid down and started nipping at Sasori's shirt.

"Okay, I get it," Sasori chuckled, stripping off his own shirt and going back to tasting Deidara's soft skin.

Those same hands licked down Sasori's abs and a tongue dipped into his artificial navel and went lower, diving into his pants and slipping into his boxers.

The mouth on the palm swallowed the tip of Sasori's limp member, and Deidara's free hand slid wetly up Sasori's chest, sucking on his nipple.

That nipple acted as a trigger, and Sasori's woody sprung up, hard and unyielding.

"Un!" Deidara uttered happily and continued to work the puppet with his hands.

Even though Sasori was unable to have an orgasm, he sort of experienced something like it mentally, and soon, he was so aroused that he pushed Deidara down on the bench and stripped him the rest of the way.

Sasori pulled his last remaining garments off, and rubbed his erection against Deidara's.

"Uuuuun…" Deidara moaned, his breath blowing out of his gaping lips in a white cloud.

"You MUST be cold out here, Dei!"

"No…un…please, I love you, Danna!"

"I know…"

Sasori pushed Deidara's legs until they were above his head and thrust into him, pumping hard and fast.

"Un un un un UN!"

"Ah…Dei…"

Sasori pulled out of Deidara when the blond was nearly at his limit and kissed him deeply before pulling him to the ground and flipping him over. Deidara had his upper body resting on the bench, his ass up in the air.

Sasori stood over Deidara and thrust inside him again, immediately hitting that pleasure spot.

He hit it over and over and over again until Deidara started SOBBING his DAnna's name.

"Sa…sa…Sasori, Uuun!"

Deidara came on the cement, and Sasori pulled out, kissing down Deidara's spine and caressing his backside.

"I love you so much, Deidara…"

"Un…my turn, Danna, un!" Deidara suddenly cried, getting up and pushing Sasori to the ground.

"Wha…Deidara?!"

The puppet's own ass was forced high into the air and Deidara plunged into him, his licking, biting hands squeezing Sasori's ass. It was amazing how much the puppet could feel during sex.

Truthfully, it was the only time he really felt alive, and he shared this experience ONLY with his Dei-kun.

"Dei…" Sasori moaned into the hard cement. His knees were getting scraped up, but he didn't care.

He could sand them down and polish them up real nice…when they got back home.

Just as Deidara exploded inside Sasori, Sakon and Ukon happened to walk onto the balcony, lighting up a cigarette.

They froze and stared at the two artists fucking on the ground in front of them.

"Which one of you is the puppet?" Sakon asked, taking a puff of his cancer stick. Ukon blew the smoke out.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Orochimaru had moved on to other Akatsuki. This time, he was tempting Itachi with his date rape drugs from Kimimaro's head.

"No, Orochimaru."

"But they'll enhance your vision ten fold!"

Itachi glared in silence. Kisame loomed over Orochimaru, seething. He may not have his Samehada on hand, but if he had to break the weapons ban by summoning it to his side, he would.

"I. Said. No."

"You heard him, old snakey bastard," Kisame growled. Orochimaru smirked, flicking his long tongue out.

"Now don't get your gills all hot and bothered. I was just hoping for a little Uchiha fun. It is MY party, after all."

"Yeah, well your party sucks."

Orochimaru glared.

"Don't push me, boy!"

"Orochimaru."

The snake man looked to Itachi, who grabbed Orochimaru's hand still holding out the date rape drugs and snapped it cleanly in two.

"Go away. You're disturbing me."

Orochimaru howled in pain and Kisame grabbed Itachi and ran away, hoping that the snake wasn't slithering behind them…

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

(Now for the last Yaoi, Kisa/ Ita!)

After a wandering far upstairs, Itachi led the way. He grabbed Kisame's hand, which shocked the shark at first, but it was firm and warm, and rather nice, actually.

It was sort of like being led by a child who knew all the shortcuts in a hedge.

Finally, Itachi stopped before a large double door with chains wrapped around it.

"No one will disturb us here."

"What? Where…" Kisame started to say, but Itachi stood on tip toe and kissed Kisame lightly on the lips.

"I thought you might like a pool all to yourself," Itachi explained curtly when he pulled away from the shark.

Itachi easily picked the lock with a hair pin and tugged on the chains. They thudded to the floor, and Itachi pushed the doors open to reveal a large heated pool.

Kisame grinned.

"It's HUGE!"

Itachi grabbed Kisame's hand again and led the shark nin into the room, kicking the doors closed and locking them.

"I knew you'd like it…"

Itachi started to shed his clothes immediately, and Kisame blushed.

"Ita…Itachi, what are you doing?"

"Going skinny dipping. Strip, Kisame. Strip for me."

Kisame swallowed hard, not moving as he watched Itachi strip into his birthday suit just for him.

He made a choking sort of noise, and Itachi cocked his head.

"Are you crying, Kisame?"

"Why…?" Kisame stammered.

Itachi padded lightly over to the shark and caressed his face.

"Why what, Kisame?"

Itachi kissed lightly at Kisame's lips as they moved, trying desperately to get words out.

"Why me? You're…you're beautiful, Itachi. Perfect. But I'm…I'm just…"

"Sh…don't talk, Kisame…"

Itachi kissed Kisame again, holding the shark close, his hands sliding down the larger man's back.

"Kisame…you didn't do what I told you," Itachi whispered against Kisame's mouth when they parted.

Itachi attacked his shark then, roughly throwing off his cloak and clawing at his bare chest.

The Uchiha found Kisame's willing mouth again as he tugged at the shark's pants.

"I…love…you…'Same…" Itachi murmured between kisses.

Kisame begrudgingly pulled away from Itachi and bent to remove his pants and his boxers. He kept his arm warmers on.

Itachi smiled. Apparently he liked the look.

"You're beautiful, Kisame," Itachi sighed.

"No, I'm not."

Itachi suddenly looked very stern.

"YES. You are."

The Uchiha held out a hand for Kisame to grab, but Kisame smirked and picked Itachi up.

"Let's go swimming then, Itachi-san!"

Kisame ran with the Uchiha in his arms and dove into the water.

Itachi gasped at the impact while Kisame chuckled, cradling Itachi in his lap.

The Uchiha licked at Kisame's gills (a very sensitive spot on the shark nin) and trailed his hands down Kisame's chest.

His ass rubbed up against Kisame's erection, making them both gasp.

Kisame reached around to cup Itachi's ass, gliding his fingers along the crack between the cheeks.

"Oh…Kisame…" Itachi moaned, sitting down abruptly on Kisame's cock.

Both of them gasped loudly.

Itachi gritted his teeth in pain.

"Aaah…Kisame…" Itachi whimpered. Whimpered? Can Uchihas whimper?

Kisame nipped viciously at Itachi's neck and began to lift Itachi up and down slowly.

"Faster…_harder_…'Same…"

Kisame sucked on the bloody wound he'd made on Itachi's delicate skin and slammed Itachi hard onto him while Itachi clawed at Kisame's back, marring his blue skin with small red scratches.

Their rapid movements splashed water up into the air, and Itachi threw his head back, wet hair flinging drops of the water onto Kisame's face, and came violently.

"S-SAME!" He howled. Kisame slammed Itachi hard onto him one last time and came too, digging his nails into Itachi's butt.

The two held onto each other for a long time, gasping and shaking.

(End Yaoi!)

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

It was nearly midnight now, and everyone, even those that were temporarily incapacitated, wandered outside to the massive courtyard to watch the giant ball drop.

"Where WERE you guys?" Konan asked Hidan and Kakuzu, who were the first she spotted .

"Checking out the upstairs." Kakuzu answered briskly. Hidan just smirked, smoothing back his hair.

"And where the hell were YOU two?" Konan asked Deidara and Sasori, who were both grinning so broadly they looked like they were going to split their faces in half.

"The two headed guy said they were enjoying the view on the balcony," Tobi said, eating a bag of Hot Cheatos.

Zetsu kept licking at Tobi's fingers.

"Stop it! Get your own bag!"

When Itachi and Kisame bumped into Konan and the others, sopping wet and rather smiley themselves, Konan sighed.

"Great. I was down here getting sex advice from an old lady while you guys were all yaoi-ing."

"Yaoi? What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Hidan…"

"Yeah?"

The large Big Ben replica at the other end of the courtyard started to chime loudly, and right on cue, the big ball started to drop.

Kakuzu grabbed Hidan up, dipped him and kissed him wetly on the mouth.

The crowd, as one, cheered as the ball began to drop, counting down.

"Five…four…three…two…one…"

Kakuzu let Hidan go right at midnight as everyone cheered even louder. Fireworks erupted in a colorful display in the darkness.

Hidan stared, flabbergasted, at Kakuzu, who was now looking up at the sky with a smile on his stitched up face.

"Happy New Year, dumb ass."

"Love you too, old fuck."

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Epilogue: Right after the realization that the peace treaty was expired sunk in, everyone went at each other's throats. The Akatsuki hauled ass out of there.

Road rage you would NOT believe, people. Seriously. You do NOT want me to go there. Well, you probably do, but this chapter's long enough.

**(Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, Always Use Protection!)**


End file.
